The Cornelian Dilemma

Where have all the bloggers gone?

2011-07-26T22:00:00.004-04:00

It's been ages since I've updated my blog. I left it in the middle of a cliffhanger. (For the record, I was kicking ass in blackjack in Las Vegas... until I stopped kicking ass and ended up losing $40.) Well, I'm not the only one who seems to have abandoned blogging. A lot of my friends have stopped actively posting. Where are they now? They are on Facebook and Twitter. Ironically, I have chastised both forms of social media in previous blog posts. I claimed that Facebook was too superficial and shallow to keep people's attention. I claimed that Twitter was too brief and impersonal. Well, it looks like I'm the fool, because Facebook and Twitter have proceeded to gut the world of personal blogging completely.

What happened? Maybe it took too much effort for people to put their thoughts into complete paragraphs. Why not distill it into 140 characters of snarky wit on Twitter. Maybe it was because nobody actively read personal blogs. Why not have your posts automatically delivered to your personal contacts by a Facebook new feed? I don't presume to be any better, because I too have abandoned my blog for Facebook and Twitter. I guess it's all in the name of progress. It's been a blast everyone. I'll probably start this blog up again... but not sure when.

PS: Back in my day, we posted our thoughts on message board systems using 2400 baud dial-up modems... and we liked it!

Vegas, Baby! Your gambling options

2011-02-01T20:03:00.012-05:00

The last time I was in Las Vegas was 8 years ago. Since then I've been yearning to go back. Enticed and teased by my favorite Las Vegas movies, I've decided to go back to Sin City this month. I've foolishly decided to take a more methodical approach to gambling (if there is such a thing).

The last time I went gambling in Vegas, I did it in the worst way possible. I was tired, sleepy, and maybe a little drunk. I hit the roulette tables and the craps table, betting on impulse and gut feelings. I didn't lose the shirt off my back, but I did lose pretty badly.

This time around, I think I'll take a more academic approach to Vegas... and see if it holds up against the glitz and glamour of the moment. Here are the gambling choices when you get to Las Vegas. Pick your poison. Good luck.

Slot machines: They are called one-armed bandits for a reason. Personally, I believe them to be the worst gambling option available. I've been told that casinos are increasing the number of slot machines versus gambling tables, as it gives them more control over the odds. Even more terrible is the phasing out of coins and tokens in favour of card and receipt based rewards. Let's say you win triple bar on a slot machine. In the old days, you'd hear the satisfying plunking and clinking of tokens falling out of the machine... well nowadays, it would only update the balance on an electronic card or print out a receipt with an ID number on it. It's psychologically not the same... and it makes little difference to me because I'm vowing to avoid slots altogether this time around.

Poker: Poker became crazy popular a few years ago during the NHL hockey lockout, when sports channels began to show poker tournaments instead of hockey games. Is poker a sport? Who am I to say? I had a glimpse of the poker rooms during my last Vegas trip, and it was a snake pit. The poker rooms of Las Vegas should be avoided unless you are a pro, because they will eat you alive in there. It didn't even look fun, with all the ball caps, sunglasses, and stone cold poker faces.

Roulette: This was one of my favorite games. If you are lucky, it offers you a 35 to 1 pay out. If you bet red or black, it offers a payout of 1:1. It all seems quite fair, except for one problem. There are zeroes on the wheel! The single zero and the double zero are not considered red or black, and they are not factored into any of the other payout odds. This gives the house an edge of 5.26%. These are the worst odds of any of the table games. If you insist on playing roulette, you MUST find a European table with only one zero on it and a house edge of 2.70%. I've been doing research on roulette strategies, and I've discovering the existence of betting systems. The infamous Martingale system involves doubling your bet every time you lose, in order to win back your losses. While it seems very methodical, you are playing with fire. Eventually you will hit a losing streak that will force you to bet over your budget or the table limit... as which point you are broke. A milder version of this system exists, based on the Fibonacci sequence and a slower level of increase. (Martingale is exponential. Not good.) As fancy as these betting systems are, statistically-speaking, they do NOT improve your odds of winning. Roulette is purely a game of random chance and bad odds. The only way to win is to find an uncalibrated roulette wheel that favors certain numbers. Good luck with that, because it's likely the casino will find them before you do.

Keno: They offered Keno everywhere the last time I was in Vegas. I could play it at a restaurant, while waiting for my food! Now I don't understand Keno very well, but it works similarly to Bingo, in that a sequence of numbers are called out and you have to match them on your card. The house edge will depend on the payout ratio, and there doesn't seem to be a set standard. You can do more research about Keno, but I don't find the game very interesting.

Craps: I like this game, but the rules are a bit complicated. The basic "pass" bet has a house edge of 1.41%. And if you are a jerk and bet against the dice thrower with a "don't pass" bet, your bet has a house edge of 1.40%. There are a lot of other bets you can make on the roulette table, but they have worse odds, so don't bother with them. Under certain conditions, you can get fair odds. When the dice thrower rolls a 6 or an 8 on their first roll, you can bet if they are roll another 6 or 8 before they roll a 7. That will pay out 6:5... which are fair odds. You can only make these bets after you have make an inital "pass" or "come" bet, and that overhead ensure that the house still makes money. In terms of strategies, one can use the betting systems I talked about before, but they don't actually work to win you any more money. Some hardcore craps players use dice control, where they practice throwing 7's by throwing in a consistent manner. This is crazy hard to do, and not feasible if you have a life outside of playing craps. Like Roulette, Craps is mostly a game of chance... It offers better odds than Roulette if you stick to the bets I talked about.

Blackjack: This game offers the best odds of any table game in Las Vegas... but only if you know how to play it well. I've decided to focus on Blackjack exclusively during my upcoming Vegas trip. I'll write up a separate blog post about how to improve your odds in Blackjack.

PS: Our first trip to Vegas in 2003 has been immoralized by VXT.

The White Poppy

2010-11-06T08:46:00.003-04:00

My thoughts about Remembrance Day have been blogged before. This year, I was going to blog about the inevitable story of a low-life thief stealing a red poppy donation box. Let's talk a little bit about that. I've set up donation boxes for various fundraising events before. If you have a red poppy donation box: PLEASE secure them when on display! PLEASE hide them after hours! PLEASE have them checked on often!

With that out of the way, I'd like to talk about the buzz around white poppies this year. The white poppy campaign started in the UK as a less soldier-centric take on Remembrance Day. Some people feel that Remembrance Day promotes the glory and/or necessity of war. I have never thought of Remembrance Day or the red poppy campaign this way. Remembrance Day is somewhat like a funeral ceremony, and it's purpose is to remember the dead. Imagine one group going to a funeral of someone that died of cancer, and another group staging a competing rally proclaiming that cancer is terrible. Those messages are not exactly in conflict with each other. However the first group is having a more personal solemn event, while the latter group is having a more detached and reactive event. Ultimately, both groups have come up with different ways of dealing with the same issue... Either group could argue that the other is missing the point.

I have very mixed feelings about the white poppy campaign. I support it in principle, but I chastise it for bad timing. I feel that Remembrance Day is not a day for divisive arguments. Perhaps the white poppy can have any other day (or ALL other days), but November 11 should remain solely for the purpose of remembering those that have fallen during war.

PS: At the end of the day, this argument doesn't matter since I have not seen white poppies on display in my area. I suspect they may show up next year after all this buzz it's been generating. I may wear both red and white in early November... but only red on November 11.

Rob Ford stops gravy train: Poutine shortage expected

2010-10-26T21:43:00.002-04:00

Making good on his central campaign promise, newly-elected Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, has taken steps to stop the gravy train. Toronto residents, still stunned by Mr. Ford's decisive victory, must now come to grips with a city devoid of gravy...

Near city hall, the lunch truck vendors weigh in on the issue. One vendor (who does not wish to be named) told us that his customers love gravy. "It's free when they order my french fries, and everyone has gravy with their fries. Even some City Hall workers come for lunch and have gravy." When asked how he would deal with the new gravy train policy, he shook his head. "We still have ketchup, you know. Maybe people can try mayonnaise with their fries. I hear people from Europe do that."

At the downtown location of Smoke's Poutinerie, the line-up stretches around the block. "Once I heard that Rob Ford won, my first thought was for poutine. When he stops the gravy train, poutine will be in short supply in this city. I have to eat as much as I can before it runs out!" exclaims one poutine fanatic. Truth be told, several poutine outlets have began price gouging, forecasting a city-wide gravy shortage in the next 4 years. "Business is great right now, but once our gravy runs out, who knows what will happen to us. We got our last gravy shipment yesterday. Once they start re-routing the trains away from Toronto, we will have to close this place down."

Other city residents are taking a more entrepreneurial approach to the gravy train crisis. At an undisclosed location in Markham, some creative individuals are brewing their own gravy and smuggling them into Toronto in hip flasks and small bottles hidden inside their boots. A spokesperson from Toronto Public Health has strong words for anyone considering acquiring gravy in this way. "Gravy distributed in this manner is not only illegal, it is also a health risk. Without regulation and oversight, home-brewed gravy is an accident waiting to happen."

On October 25th, Toronto voted to stop the gravy train... but are they prepared for the consequences? Can 2.5 million people live in a city without gravy? Only time will tell. God help us all.

There are FIVE SCREENS!

2010-10-14T21:26:00.003-04:00

About a month ago, we disconnected our TV antenna. We decided to turn our backs on the wasteland that television programming had become. Every night, we'd watch some procedural police drama that would start off with a grizzly murder, end with a sloppy murder confession, and filled in the middle with a series of unrealistic events. It was either that or the increasingly lazy spectacle of reality TV, which has become increasingly trashy and less entertaining. No, we weren't going to spend our precious evening hours staring at a glowing screen watching nonsense. They say that television is the Second Screen, with the First Screen being the movie theatre screen.

So what's happened in the last month? We've started listening to the radio. We've started going for walks. Most frighteningly, we've been diverting a lot of time to Facebook. So I can't declare this experiment a complete success, since we've substituted one time sink for another. I have diverted my time to the Third Screen. I surf the internet and Facebook on my laptop. Royal Pinguo is more tech savy and has diverted her attention to the Fourth Screen: Her new smart phone. Even though it's an Android phone, she reminds me of some of the people in this Microsoft commercial:

They also say there is a Fifth Screen... being the in-your-face screens in public places. Like the ones at Yonge/Dundas or the subway station. Meh.

Nuit Blanche 2010: I don't know art, but I know what I don't like.

2010-10-03T20:37:00.002-04:00

Before I begin, I would like to say that I am by no means "an expert" on art. My interactions with Nuit Blanche are fairly casual. I don't stay up all night... I don't plan a route in advance... But for better or for worse, I have been caught up in the annual hype surrounding Nuit Blanche for the past one or two years. As a casual fan of the event, I agree with Celestialspeedster that this year's offerings were a little lackluster.

Royal Pinguo and I stayed near the Distillery District this year, since we were already in the area during the afternoon/evening for a friend's birthday party. We headed out to see Nuit Blanche around 11:30. One compliant of mine was lack of good lighting. This is a night time event, and if you want your art to be appreciated, it has to be seen. I saw an elephant sculpture dimly lit by a large flashlight being powered by almost dead batteries.

Next we found a post-apocalyptic campsite that was dimly lit and populated with actors portraying life in the grim future. I was on-board with the theme they were going for, but it was a little ruined by the fact that the camp was overrun with other Nuit Blanche visitors and surrounded by the coffee shops and bars of the Distillery District that were still open for business.

We came across the clay slab exhibit which had messages written on it that originated from electronic text messages. This was a good concept, but visitors can only see a slab of clay cluttered with graffiti-like markings and other scribbles that people added by hand. It was essentially a heavily defaced piece of clay. Interesting concept, but not the most visually enticing exhibit.

There were some good exhibits. The most obvious one to me was The Hand of God painting recreated using many Rubik's Cubes. It's obviously art to an art-novice like me because it takes a recognized masterpiece and recreates it using a different medium. It's also effective because an art-novice like like can understand the difficulty in creating the piece.

Another exhibit that I found visually-stimulating and meaningful was statue on the water that was surrounded by flames. The accompanying projection made it obvious that the sculpture was a statement about lack of human rights in parts of the world.

I recognize that Nuit Blanche is not an easy event to organize. As an event, it tries to cast a wide net. In an effort to cater to everyone, you cater to no one. How do you create an event that will entice the artistically ignorant (a group which I proclaim membership to), engage the artistically-educated, and entertain the rambling drunk who is looking for an all-night party? You can't, because it's impossible. At some point, I think Nuit Blanche has to make a decision about what it wants to be. I am on board if Nuit Blanche wants to do giant exhibits with little artistic meaning. I am also on board if they do elaborate complex exhibits that not everyone will understand. I'm not on board if they do simple exhibits that are poorly executed in concept and/or implementation... and that's what I saw a lot of this year.

How to Park at Pacific Mall (or any Asian Mall)

2010-08-25T23:15:00.004-04:00

If you've visited Pacific Mall, you'll know that parking there is an experience like no other. This is true for other Asian malls and events. When the cherry blossoms were in bloom in High Park, I had to compete with every Asian in the GTA for a parking spot. The same can be said for those night markets.

Now before people start to play the race card, I'd like to point out why parking competition is so fierce when Asians congregate. There are a lot of Asians in the GTA, but not so many Asian-themed events. As a result, when there is something cultural activity or event that Asians want to go to, they do so in large crowds. The cherry blossoms in High Park are a good example of this. It is an event that resonates with the Asian culture... in a venue ill-equipped to support the massive influx of cars. Pacific Mall is also a good example of a popular venue without sufficient parking to support the volumes of customers it attracts. Due to this situation, it quickly degrades to survival of the fittest in the parking lots of all the T&T's and Asian malls in the GTA.

Some basic strategies for finding parking:

The Outcast: Parking spots close to the entrance are very popular. Parking spots in the far corners are not. Some people will spend 20 minutes trying to find a good spot. The outcast parker will choose a faraway spot and walk to the entrance in a shorter period of time. It's not as glorious as other strategies, but it's good if you're non-confrontational.
The Stakeout: Feeling territorial? Find a row of cars, then park to one side and wait. It's a bit like fishing for a parking spot. Eventually the owner of one of these cars will leave, and the spot is yours for the taking. It's important to stake your claim too. If you see another stakeout parker on the opposite end of the parking lot, you have to defend your territory by honking and telling them to get lost. You got here first.
The Stalker: Ever feel like you're being followed when you are walking back to your car? That's the stalker parker slowly following you in their car... waiting for you to leave so they can take your spot. If you're a stalker parker, you want to make sure the person you are following is actually leaving their spot and not just dropping something off and going back into the mall. Also, the person you are following may cut between rows of cars, forcing you to do some frantic driving to follow them.
The Tour de France: If you don't like to sitting still, you can circle around the parking lot looking for spots that open up. In order for this strategy to work, you have to be very aggressive and agile with your driving. You will have to intercept newly opened parking spots from stalker parkers and stakeout parkers. This is the most common parking strategy, but it's only successful if you are a jerk. In single rows of parked cars, you can quickly steal a spot by driving into the parking spot from behind while the previous occupant drives away.

Some team strategies for finding parking:

The Car Pool: Instead of driving 4 cars and having to find 4 parking spots, carpool into 1 car and 1 parking spot. Of course, the driver will have to use another strategy to actually FIND this 1 parking spot. Some good team strategies below...
The Chauffeur: Have a friend drop you off at the mall, then call them to pick you up. This eliminates the need to find a parking spot at all, though your friend will still need to drive through the heavy parking lot traffic to get you to the entrance.
The Tag Team: Boldly park right by the entrance. One person stays in the car to make sure it doesn't get towed or ticketed. Everyone else goes into the mall. After some time, someone goes back to the car and rotates with the person sitting there. It works well for short trips.
The Scout Master: Send all your passengers out to find an empty spot. When they find one, they stand in the spot and prevent other cars from parking there. They will call you by cell phone to tell you where the spot is. Your scouts have to have nerves of steel, as every nearby driver will be horning and giving them the evil eye.

Some risky strategies for finding a parking spot:

The Lawn Ornament: Who says you need to park in a parking spot when nature provides? Park on the grass and hope you don't get ticketed or towed. It's an easier decision once you see other cars doing this. They can't ticket all of you, right? (Actually, they can.)
The Impostor: There are special spots reserved for the handicapped. More recently, there are also special spots reserved for expecting mothers. Still recovering for that sports injury? Think you MAY have a bun in the oven? Why shouldn't that parking spot be for you? (Actually, that parking spot is not for you.)
The Morlock: A lot of these Asian malls actually have underground parking... but most drivers avoid underground parking lots. Why? Stairwells that smell like urine... Increased probability of break-ins... Safety issues... But mostly because underground parking is not as prestigious as above ground parking. (Actually, if you're alone, this is not a safe idea.)
The VIP: Hey, that parking spot says it's reserved for John Smith... or to the customers of Joe's Restaurant... or private parking where your car will be towed at your own expense... The parking spot isn't being used, so it's a shame that it go to waste right? How can they tell that I'm not John Smith, the patron of Joe's Restaurant, who is entitled to private parking where other cars will be towed away at their expense? (Actually, they can probably tell quite easily... especially John Smith.)

Well, those are my strategies for how to park at Pacific Mall. Please let me know if you've used one of these strategies or have one that is not included on this list.

Dear Lotto Max: Stop taunting us!

2010-07-22T21:54:00.005-04:00

Okay, Lotto Max. We have to have a talk. Now I know you're the new lottery on the block and all. Quite frankly, I still miss the Super 7... but that's beside the point. The point is that you're a $5 a ticket lottery! That's really pricey for the unwashed mathematically-challenged masses. Now to justify this, you've given us crazy jackpots. I mean... really crazy jackpots. But it's happening too often and we are suffering from "jackpot fatigue".

Lotto Max: "Friday's jackpot is $50 million dollars!"

I know... it was $50 million dollars last week! But nobody won it because it's statistically crazy to win. Hey... that's not fair. I know lotteries aren't supposed to be statistically easy to win... but come on man! It's a little unreasonable.

Lotto Max: "This week, play Max Millions! 26 additional draws of $1 million dollars!"

I know! I know! Look, stop talking about the jackpots. I think we have a problem here with over exposure. We're sort of getting sort of numb to the whole thing. All your talk about buckets of money is falling on deaf ears. People can't spend $5 every week to feed your manic fixation on false hopes and dreams.

Lotto Max: "Bah bah bum... da da da... Bah bah bum... da da da..."

Ahh! Stop it... I can't get that infernal jingle out of my head! I hear that stupid jingle every week now! I'm sorry Lotto Max, but I'm not buying your tickets any more. I'm good enough at math to know better. Sorry Lotto Max, but this is goodbye.

Lords of the Bake Sale

2010-07-17T00:28:00.008-04:00

A few months ago, my team threw a fundraising bake sale. I made up some eye-catching posters to advertise it. I thought I've share them below. Enjoy.

WWKD: What would Kirby do?

2010-07-04T00:30:00.004-04:00

I've always admired Kirby. He can eat anything and not gain weight. He is quite simply the best poster boy for bulimia that I have ever seen. Eat whatever you want, then vomit it out at your enemies. He is also the best poster boy for cannibalism that I've ever seen. Eat your enemies, then vomit them out at other enemies.

He is my inspiration to join Thinspiration XXL. It is a weight loss competition with a group of friends. More details can be found here: thinspirationxxl.blogspot.com

Please don't trash my city

2010-06-22T23:49:00.008-04:00

Dear angry G20 protesters,

Please don't trash my city. I don't go to your home town to form angry mobs advocating a noncohesive collection of social causes... so I expect the same courtesy from you. Hey, don't get me wrong... I understand where you are coming from. You see, I didn't get invited to the G20 talks either. I'm sure it was an oversight on their part. Did I get all worked up about it? No... I made other plans for the weekend. Hey, I'm sure we'll make it to the guest list next time. I'll even suggest making it a pot luck dinner so the host doesn't have to pay for all the food.

Perhaps you should re-think this whole angry mob strategy. Honestly, I don't know how much mileage you are going to get throwing rocks at windows and spray-painting walls. It's the 21st century after all. Have you considered starting a Facebook group? How about an online petition? A well-put together YouTube video, perhaps? Ooh what about... viral marketing?! Nice ideas, right?

Well, I only wish I posted this blog sooner, because you probably already booked your flights and accommodations. You're probably not going to cancel out on the angry mob at the last minute because they would get even angrier, right? Hmm... well, if you're intent on trashing my city, could I at least suggest you take a look at some of the "beautiful architecture" our city has to offer? It would be a shame if an angry mob where to by and wreck them, forcing our city to re-build something more aesthetically-pleasing in it's place.

PS: Seriously though... don't trash my city. Not even these ugly buildings.

Tempted by the food of another

2010-06-17T20:23:00.011-04:00

I like eating food that doesn't belong to me. (There. I said it.) It's not because I'm hungry or that the food tastes good. It's the fact that I shouldn't be eating it because it doesn't belong to me. It all started quite innocently... when Six Degrees left her toddler daughter's lunch at my condo after a party. It was a tiny tupperware full of bite-sized pasta, that didn't look that great... but I ate it anyway. It was thrilling because it was a meal lovingly made by a mother for her child... and I was secretly eating it.

Now you may be thinking that this was an isolated incident. I mean, how often do I come across misplaced food, right? Well, a few weeks ago I was at the local supermarket. I had started putting groceries into my shopping cart. Some bread, a bag of onions, tomatoes, etc.... I went to get some oranges, then put them into my cart and continued on. When I hit the meat section, I realized that the tomatoes in the cart were vine tomatoes and the bread loaf was not the type that I had picked out earlier. I had accidentally swapped carts with a stranger. I looked at what my mystery shopper had put in the cart. Some mushrooms, mangos, hot peppers and peaches. How exciting! My mystery shopper was no doubt very meticulous in selecting each of these items and had some unknown plan to cook them and eat them. I decided to keep the stranger's food. It felt like stealing, but it wasn't... because I paid for the food at the checkout counter.

Another time, my wife offered to carry a tupperware container for a friend of hers. They couldn't meet up afterwards, so my wife and I were on the subway with the container. I wisely told her: "That food is probably going to go bad if we don't eat it now." It was true, so we ate it. It was a delicious pastry with chocolate and cream cheese inside. Perhaps her friend had planned to bring these pastries to a pot-luck or share them with someone special. While the pastry was delicious, it was more delicious because it didn't belong to us.

With each new incident of food-snatching, the behaviour becomes more addictive. It's a weird combination of kleptomania and gluttony. Most recently, my wife had to stop me from eating a day old peanut butter sandwich lovingly made by a mother for her toddler daughter (again, it was Six Degrees). I thought to myself: "My god, what have I become? I am not an animal! Not some kind of food-snatching animal!"

On that note, I have made great strides to overcome my strange habit. I have stopped eating other people's food for over two weeks now. I've regulated myself to only eating food that belongs to me. Boring food that I am 100% entitled to and expected to eat... (Emotional pause.) I guess I'll have to take this one day at a time.... One day at a time.

2010 Ride to Conquer Cancer

2010-06-14T17:21:00.015-04:00

I did it! I finished the Ride to Conquer Cancer. They don't say this anywhere, but the course is actually longer than 200km. They added some extra kilometers in there, just for fun. The weather was not ideal, but considering they were predicting 2 straight days of thunderstorms, I think we got pretty lucky with how the weather turned out.

There were more bicycles than you could count at the starting area, and everyone was wearing the same black/yellow jerseys. I did see a few accidents from people either going too fast or not prepared to bike in a crowd setting. It was very unfortunate, but I saw similar things happen when I did the Ride for Heart.

One thing organizers should consider are staggered start times just to thin out the crowds at the beginning. The start was a bad mix of speed demons who think they are in the Tour de France and rookie cyclists that are clipped into bikes they are not comfortable in.

Things got better once the crowd thinned out. Faster cyclists at the front, and slower cyclists at the back. The first 25K was a walk in the park. Basically riding out of the city. It was a bit misleading because we had handled the first 25K in pretty short time. We could probably do the whole 100K before lunchtime...
The next 25K were spent biking through Mississauga and Oakville. Very quaint streets and small shops. Traffic was starting to pick up around that time, but we had officials at most intersections directing traffic.
Now the next 25K segment was hilly. Some were rolling hills, but some were long steady hills. Some cyclists had to get off their bikes and walk up. The worst mistake I saw were cyclists that zip down the downhills and lock their gears as they tried to quickly change gears for the sudden uphill. They would fall and create an obstacle for other cyclists who were coming down the hill. Thankfully we had a lot of help from course officials, first-aid specialists, bike repair specialists. This section took a lot longer that the other ones... and it burnt me out for the final 25K of the day.
The last 25K of day 1 was rainy, but I had already done most of the hills before the rain started coming down. I was biking as fast as I could through the rain to reach the finish line... and shelter. I was feeling pretty gross when I was done, but thankfully I was fully refreshed after a shower and a change of clothes.
Day 2 started off with rain, so we delayed leaving camp as long as we could. Shortly after we left, the rain stopped and gave way to partly cloudy weather. After the hills from day 1, rumour was that the 100km course for day 2 was more easy going.
The course was flat for almost all of day 2. I spent day 2 coasting as much as I could. I'd duck down low and tuck in my elbows and see how far momentum would take me. This was easily my favorite part of the whole event.
When I finished the 200K (and then some), my wife was at the finish line cheering me. Well, she was cheering for everyone else too. She had volunteered to be on the cheering squad. I was exhausted, but glad that I did this event. It was very well organized and the riders were all well taken care of. The 2010 Ride to Conquer Cancer raised over 16 million dollars for cancer research. Good job, everyone!

PS: The bike-mounted camera worked great as you can see from the photos. My camera has a setting to take a photo every minute, so I didn't have to fumble with buttons during the ride.

Recession DIY: Bicycle Camera Mount

2010-06-10T22:49:00.007-04:00

There are only a few short days before I embark on the Ride to Conquer Cancer. It's one of those rare moments when I can say that I've trained enough for this event. I've sweated through my 90-minute spin classes. I've been running outdoors. I've been biking outside. I've even set a new record on my Wii Fit playing "Table Tilt" because I have quads of steel now.

I'm excited about the upcoming 200km bike ride this weekend. I figure that I may never do this again, so I wanted to catch it all on film. Obviously I could get photos of my teammates and I standing around, but I really wanted to get "on-the-bike" footage. I wanted to put a camera on my bike... but does such a device exist?

A quick Google search revealed that you can put a camera on your bike... and you can make such an attachment yourself! There are several ways to do this, but I've followed the method suggested by Michael Hanscom. I foraged for an old rear-mounted light attachment and purchased some nuts, bolts, and washers at Canadian Tire. Sure enough, the assembly went smoothly and my camera fits in snug and securely.

My primary concern is that my camera would fall out during my bike ride and smash onto the road in a terrible way. The camera I'm using is a light point-and-shoot. As a bonus, it's waterproof. (Pentax Optio W30) Despite my fears, I'm pretty confident the camera and mount will both make it through the long ride. We'll know for sure when I update this blog on Monday.

If you would like to construct a camera mount for your bike, you can check out the following websites:

Tour de Dufflet: With great food comes great responsibility

2010-06-06T23:58:00.006-04:00

I've always been fascinated by the uneasy alliance that exists between extreme exercise and extreme eating. Micheal Phelps ate excessively large meals to become the legendary Olympic swimmer he is today. Lance Armstrong eats 6,000 calories a day to train for the Tour de France. With great food comes great responsibility...

Ever since I learned about carbo-loading when I was training for long distance runs, I've been searching for events that incorporate eating and exercise. I ran the St. Patrick Day 5k to get chili and beer when I finished. I ran the Twenty Valley Niagara Wine Country Run to sample wines at the water stations. I participated in a softball league because they threw a BBQ during the games. My latest exercise-food pairing was brought to my attention by CelestialSpeedster. The idea was simple: Eat more cake. Ride more bike. (You had me at "cake".)

The Tour de Dufflet is the brainchild of Dufflet Rosenberg, the Queen of Cake. You are required to visit each of the three Dufflet stores across Toronto on your bike. At each location, you will receive your choice of a beverage and a small baked good. For the beverage, I highly recommend the lemonade. For the baked good, I recommend everything!!! You can choose any of the delicious cookies or bars they have in their gorgeous displays.

We visited the Uptown Dufflet location first. This was Royal Pinguo's first outing in her new bike (Trek Navigator 2.0... also recommended highly). Joe and CelestialSpeedster had quickly gobbled up their cookies before we arrived. I selected a raisin oatmeal cookie and it was awesome! Royal Pinguo chose a chocolate S'Mores bar and it was by far the best baked good of the day. If you are thinking of doing the Tour de Dufflet, we recommend starting at the Uptown location first, because it has the greatest elevation. You can ride downhill to either of the two remaining locations.

We chose to visit the Downtown Dufflet location next. We tried to stay on the side streets to avoid the traffic. We biked somewhat randomly through the side streets in a roughly southwest direction. Our goal was to eventually find Dupont Street then bike south along Palmerston Avenue... all the way to Queen Street. At the Downtown Dufflet, I went lemon-crazy with a lemon lime coconut square and a glass of lemonade. The ride down was very easy because it was downhill. We took the time to shop around the area because we were ahead of schedule.

Our final stop was the Beach Dufflet. Our original plan was to take Adelaide Street to by-pass the busy sections of Queen Street. However, since we had lots of time, we biked all the way down to the Martin Goodman trail and followed it towards Ashbridges Bay. This route was very scenic and nostalgic as I've biked it many times in the past. We stopped off at T&T Supermarket for a dim sum lunch and looked enviously at people enjoying the RibFest at Woodbine Park. The ribs would have to wait... We were going to the Beach Dufflet! We arrived at the location and picked out our last baked goods. I chose a lime tart, because I love lemon-lime desserts. (I must have had scurvy in a past-life.) As we sat in the seating area in the back, we began talking about the amazing day we had. I can think of no better way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Eat more cake. Ride more bike.

(You get excellent value for that $5 registration fee. 3 delicious cookies/bars, 3 refreshing drinks, a water bottle, and a $5 coupon at the end!)

My $1 Trillion Dollar Bailout Plan for Greece

2010-05-10T23:54:00.010-04:00

If you've been following the news, you'll have heard that European leaders have approved a 750 billion Euro plan to save Greece's sorry ass. (Well, judging by the riots... they don't look all that sorry.) That roughly translates to $1 trillion dollars. To put that into context, the United States financial bailout plan of Sept 2008 was only $700 billion dollars. The Greek bailout equals about $90,000 per Greek citizen. I've tried to quantify that in the following examples:

My Big Fat Greek Wedding:
Why worry about Greek economics, when you can watch 14,950 DVD's of My Big Fat Greek Wedding from Amazon.ca

Oyzo:
The stress of watching your country's debt rating crumble can be numbed by each citizen drinking 3600 bottles of 700ml Oyzo from the LCBO

Grease Blu-Ray:
If they get bored of re-watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, each Greek citizen can own 4324 Grease Blu-ray's from Amazon.ca

Quicken Cash Manager:

To prevent this mess from happening again, each Greek citizen can purchase 2000 copies of Quicken Cash Manager to help manage their personal and national finances.

Souvlaki Dinner:
Greek citizens won't need to worry about getting hungry. Their bailout money could buy each of them 11,250 souvlaki dinners.

The quest for hypothetical gold

2010-05-08T08:10:00.016-04:00

It's always been a dream of mine to own a gold bar. Not those little 100g slivers... I mean a 1 kg gold bar. Before my dream becomes a reality, the price of gold would need to drop to historic lows and I'd need to have spare money that I have no practical use for. Neither of those scenarios are likely to happen in the near future.

When I watch TV, I see ridiculous commercials of Russel Oliver imploring me to sell him my precious gold bar... the one I hypothetically own in an alternative universe. If you haven't seen his commercials, you should. His recent commercials are very snazzy, but I miss his earlier commercials of him dressed up in ridiculous outfits (Cashman and the Loan Arranger). His snazzy commercials are an indication that he is making a fair bit of coin from his gold and jewellery purchases, so he is starting to revert back to his classic commercials to maintain his "low budget" image.

Russell Oliver is not the only show in town though. Harold the Jewellery Buyer also wants me to sell him my hypothetical gold bar. You should also check out his commercials. They are hilariously terrible. I've driven past Harold the Jewellery Buyer's store (on Bathurst St, 2 lights south of Lawrence) and it's a tiny little store that I wouldn't think much of. Wonderful terrible commercials, Harold! Keep up the good work.

To top this off, I've been seeing Dollars4Gold commercials recently. They are not as fun as Oliver or Harold. They want me to mail them my hypothetical gold bar, and they will mail me money. Wait a minute... My gold bar is hypothetical, so I can't mail it to you. More importantly, why on earth would people mail them gold without agreeing on a price beforehand? I suppose if I wanted my gold bar back, it wouldn't be possible because they "melted it down in their refinery" already. How convenient...

The truth of the matter is that Oliver, Harold, and Dollars4Gold are preying of people who are in financial trouble. They are vultures that are looking to exploit desperate individuals who need money and are liquidating their "last line of defense" assets. Those being family heirlooms, wedding rings, and my hypothetical gold bar. If you find yourself in this situation, please keep in mind that these people are not your friends. They are jerks that will buy your gold and jewellery for significantly less than it's worth... because that's how they make money.

What happened to the dance clubs of my youth?

2010-05-01T08:26:00.010-04:00

In my university days, I would spend my weekends going to the clubbing district in downtown Toronto with my friends. We all would try to drown out our education with loud music and cheap alcohol. I thought it would be good to re-visit those reckless and carefree days and see what happened to the dance clubs of my youth.

The Barracuda (21 Scollard St.)
THEN:
This was the first club I ever went to. They had a car on the roof, and an indoor beach volleyball court. I remember Thompson sneaking 2 McDonald cheeseburgers past the front guards so he could eat them inside. I never could dance worth a dime, but I remember jumping around to House of Pain and a few Offspring songs. I also walked home with an "I AM" poster as a souvenir of the night.

NOW:
The Barracuda closed down in 1996. Located in prime Yorkville, somebody built a 7 storey condo in it's place.

Limelight Nightclub (250 Adelaide St. W)

THEN:
I remember this club was notorious for creating a "fake line-up" in front of the club early in the night. When we would finally be allowed inside, the club would be half-empty. The DJ would be playing the dreaded warm-up music before he would get into the good songs that were being saved for when the club got really busy around midnight. For this reason, this club was pretty boring for me.

NOW:
Limelight closed down in 2001, and became Afterlife. It's a club out with different music on different floors, each with a Dante-like theme: Underground, Limbo, Paradise, and Garden of Eden. Afterlife also closed down. The address is now populated by The London Tap House.

Velvet Underground (510 Queen St. W)

THEN:
I didn't go to this club often, but it was a favorite of Jon's. I remember him bopping to the music in a ridiculous Cat-in-the-Hat hat. They played a lot of rock and alternative music, which was what I was into back in the day.

NOW:
Velvet Underground is still alive and kicking. Good job!

Zoo Bar West (526 Queen St. W)

THEN:
Of all the clubs I've been to, I remember this one was a dive. It was pretty run down and there was not a lot of eye candy. (Sorry Zoo Bar people.) My only time there was spent considering if I should go over to nearby Velvet Underground and wait in another line up to get away from that place.

NOW:
The Zoo Bar closed down (thank god) and turned into Zen Lounge. Zen Lounge closed down and became The FunHaus. The FunHaus closed in 2008. I don't know what's there now. Does anybody have an update?

The Big Bop (651 Queen St. W)

THEN:
I've only been to this venue once, though I'm told it has a lot of history. I went to my first and only rave party here. I remember Dangard Ace dressed in a fedora hat and a Green Lantern T-shirt. Also a lot of trance music and people trying to do cool stuff with glow sticks (with varying results). It was pretty fun.

NOW:
The iconic venue has closed down to make way for a furniture store! Terrible.

Phoenix Concert Theatre (410 Sherborne St)

THEN:
This was easily my favorite dance club of all time. I remember Retro-Active Fridays (and I still have a 3rd anniversary T-shirt that was thrown to me from the stage over 10 years ago). My wife also went to the Phoenix a lot, but on Saturdays. I wonder what happened to RetroMan and his orange jumpsuit, or Zoe the bartender? My friends once did an all-Retro weekend, and we went to Phoenix on Friday from open to close.

NOW:
Long live the Phoenix! It's still alive and kicking, and will probably be around for many years to come. Before it was called the Phoenix, the Diamond Club was at this location... but the Diamond Club closed down due to a fire. The Phoenix rose from those ashes.

Joker (318 Richmond St. W)

THEN:
I liked Joker. At the time, I thought it was a little classier than my usual haunts... though not by much. I remember stocking up on sweets at the nearby Sugar Mountain or catching a late night movie at the nearby movie theatre (like watching SW:EP1 after a night of clubbing). We went to Joker on the Saturday of our all-Retro Weekend... again from open to close.

NOW:
Joker closed down, and apparently they knocked down the building and turned it into a parking lot. WTF?!

Whiskey Saigon (250 Richmond St. W)

THEN:
Going to Whiskey Saigon was both amazing and awful. It was a giant 3 story venue that was always busy. Unfortunately, that also meant long line ups, slow bar service, and not very much room on the dance room for you. The most ridiculous part was the second line-up they had inside the club to get onto the 3rd floor... and that's where I always wanted to be. It's also terrible for the people on the 2nd floor who are dancing on half the floor while the other half was filled with impatient patrons in a line-up. We went to Whiskey Saigon on the Sunday of our all-Retro Weekend from open to close.

NOW:
Whiskey Saigon was closed down when it lost it's liquor license. It was replaced by Joe which apparently featured a 50 cent beer night... but it has also closed down. The building is now an office building for CHUM Radio.

So that's my follow-up on the dance clubs of my youth. Do you have a favorite Toronto dance club that's been turned into a condo, a parking lot, or an office building? Let me know.

Best of "The Cornelian Dilemma"

2010-01-26T18:52:00.008-05:00

Like so many lazy sitcom writers, I've decided to re-use clips from previous blog postings and hash together a flashback episode. I've been busy lately, so I figured this was the best way to keep the blog lively and fresh: Recycle old content. Are you ready for a treat?

The forgotten legacy of Steve Fonyo
(Aug 29, 2009)
This is an incredible and tragic story about an incredible man who beat cancer, but ultimately could not overcome his own personal demons. As an update, Steve Fonyo has just been stripped of his membership in the Order of Canada this week. He was the Order of Canada recipient with the most criminal convictions, and this was the primary reason for taking the honour away from him. Personally, I think Steve Fonyo deserves the Order of Canada. He was given this award because he completed the Journey of Lives and raised millions of dollars for cancer research. His criminal convictions do not change these facts.

TTC: The Commission Strikes Back
(Nov 23, 2009)
My rants are most vicersal when directed at the TTC. Sadly, the state of transit affairs has not improved since this posting. TTC riders are still resentful of their transit system. Recently, a photo of a sleeping booth monkey has become the metaphor for a system that is inefficient and apathetic to it's customers.

We built Geocities... on rock and roll!
(Oct 12, 2009)
A sad moment in internet history for those who remember Geocities. Yahoo closed down the iconic Geocities neighbourhoods. I was sad because I'd lose some of my first websites... but happy because those first websites are a personal embarrassment to me. Because I had long forgotten my username and password, I could not log in and delete them. Thankfully, the shutting down of Geocities meant that these sites were gone forever... or were they? Devoted internet nostalgics have archived and saved Geocities websites (whatever they could save before Yahoo pulled the plug). You can find those sites on Reocities.com or a separate initiative called Geocit.ies.

Zombies are good for your brain : Part 2
(Apr 3, 2009)
The perfect fusion of Jane Austin and the undead, this blog post talks about the book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" by Quirk Books. As an unofficial spokesperson for Quirk Books, I'm happy to inform you that Quirk Books will be donating 20% of all book sales to help Haiti. This reflects a lot of sense and sensibility on the part of Quirks Books, because they owe Haiti big time. You see, the very concept of zombies originates from Haitian folklore:

"In 1937, while researching folklore in Haiti, Zora Neale Hurston encountered the case of a woman who appeared in a village, and a family claimed she was Felicia Felix-Mentor, a relative who had died and been buried in 1907 at the age of 29. Hurston pursued rumors that the affected persons were given powerful psychoactive drug, but she was unable to locate individuals willing to offer much information."

Michael Kuss must be destroyed
(Jun 3, 2007)
This is not one of my greatest postings, but it seemed to have attracted a lot of attention from fellow Kuss-haters. There has been some recent shake-ups at CityTV. This month, they announced that they were letting go of several prominent CityTV personalities, including:

Anne Mroczkowski
Laura Di Battista
Pam Seatle
Merella Fernandez
Marianne Dimain

They will be missed by many viewers. Is it just me, or does this layoff list seem a little sexist? I don't think any prominent male CityTV personalities were let go during this round. Not that I am suggesting that they do lay off a male employee for gender equality (cough cough... KUSS). Seriously though, I was pretty shocked by this news. I hope they all find good opportunities at a media outlet that appreciates them better.

Google to China: The line must be drawn... here!

2010-01-13T12:38:00.004-05:00

Google has finally had enough of the antics of the Chinese government. After yielding to censorship requirements when Google China was first set up a few years ago, the government has progressively been trying to add more restrictions to Google China. Well, the ethical line was crossed after the Gmail accounts of several human rights activists were hacked (by unknown parties... but honestly, we know who they are).

People were apparently surprised by Google's harsh response of threatening to pull the plug on it's China operations completely. Apparently, the Chinese government expected more ethical compromises and polite language from foreign companies looking to make gains into their market. I support Google's actions, and I say good for you! I think that a company whose informal motto is "Don't be evil" would have a hard time dealing with ethical compromises for better market share. It's good to know that at least one corporation out there still has a soul. Now thus far, Google has only indicated it's displeasure about the incident. It has yet to follow through with any action, and the Chinese government has yet to formally respond... It will be interesting how things will play out.

Good job, Google. I may buy a Nexus One phone after all.

My condo smells like cooked poultry!

2009-12-24T11:08:00.009-05:00

I have been wanting to eat turducken for a long time. Turducken is a magical dish where you stuff a duck with a chicken... and then proceed to stuff that into a turkey. I had several ways to go about this... I could buy frozen turducken from the supermarket. I was told that they were dry and not very inspiring. Even then, it looks like this item is only stocked around the time of American Thanksgiving... so I missed the boat on that. Also, it wasn't a very glamorous presentation of such a magical dish... to be crammed into a cardboard box and put into a supermarket freezer.

My other option was to buy turducken freshly made at a store. Web research showed that Cajun Corner was the best place to do this in the GTA. Further web research showed that their website was no longer active, and my phone calls to their number were not answered. Not good. Southern Accent serves turducken around Thanksgiving as a special event, but no amount of persuasion could get them to make one specially for me. If you haven't noticed the cultural theme, turducken is a Cajun dish.*

This left me with the only proper option to acquire Turducken... I'LL MAKE IT MYSELF! My turducken web searches lead me to the Cajun Grocer, which offers turduckens delivered anywhere in the continental United States... of which I am not a part of. :( Fortunately, the folks at Cajun Grocer were generous enough to provide the recipe for magical turducken online!

To get the birds, I went to The Healthy Butcher which makes turducken around Thanksgiving time... but not for Christmas. I had them de-bone all the birds for me. I recommend having the butcher do this for an extra fee. The birds from The Healthy Butcher were all locally raised, free-range, and organic. It's the best quality turkey, duck, and chicken I could find... and also the most expensive. I figured I may only make turducken once, so I should go all out.

The recipe from Cajun Grocer requires 3 different stuffings. One for each bird. The turkey stuffing (left) is traditional bread-based stuffing. The duck stuffing (middle) has rice, beef, and mushroom soup. The chicken stuffing (right) has rice and shrimp... but I made it out of rice and sausage.

This is what it looked like before I added the final chicken stuffing. That's 3 birds piled on top of each other. I used an 18 pound turkey, a 5 pound duck, and a 4 pound chicken. Do the math... that's a lot of meat.

This is what it looks like before it goes into the oven. We stitched up the turkey and flipped it upside down. It's boneless except for the turkey wings and legs. It's a slippery sac of meat and stuffing.

Tragically, the turkey split halfway through baking. The recipe called for a 25 pound turkey, but I went with a smaller 18 pound turkey. I may have went crazy with the stuffing too. But it's no big deal. I cover up the split with aluminum foil, and it's ready to go back into the oven. The split actually helps heat get into the turducken so it cooks faster now.

During the baking process, I am fanatical about keeping the birds moist. I've read stories about moist chicken and duck... but a really dry turkey layer. I take the turducken out of the oven every hour and re-baste some of the juices back on top. I also cover the top of the turducken with aluminum foil to prevent drying/burning. Finally, I put a pan of water in the oven to keep the humidity level up. These are all lessons learned from cooking dry turkeys in previous Christmases past.

I am quite proud of the final product. It was a juicy and moist turducken that was rich with flavours. I invited some friends over and we managed to eat a fair bit of it. I'm saving the rest for leftovers this week. I'm quite happy that it all worked out besides some minor setbacks. It's the first time I made turducken, so it's a pretty good first effort. I'm not sure if I will make it again. It's a lot of work... but it's the most delicious poultry dish I've ever had.

* Can you imagine Gambit of the X-men eating turducken? Me neither.

Oh Little Town of Babylon 5...

2009-12-21T00:52:00.004-05:00

Christmas time as an adult is a frantic time, spent running around shopping malls and fulfilling social obligations. I often yearn for those Christmas times of my childhood when I could just enjoy the holidays for what they were... holidays!

Now the holiday of "Christmas" has been bastardized* by many throughout the years... but my favorite flavour of Christmas is the non-religious and non-commercial version. It involves spending time with your friends and family and eating lots of food. Gifts are optional, but good will to your fellow human beings is mandatory.

I consider Christmas to be humanity's Babylon 5. It's our last best hope for peace. Simply put, people are most likely to exhibit "good will to fellow human beings" around Christmas time. So if we can't get along during Christmas... we're pretty much screwed. The best positive example of this was the Christmas truce during World War I. So I have some pretty high hopes of the power of Christmas, and I must admit that I am almost always disappointed by reality... Still, the expectation still exists that for a few days every year... we are to not to treat each other like poo. It's a task that is so simple in concept, but so disappointingly difficult to put into practice for many. Good luck to you all, and enjoy your holidays!

* In fairness, Christmas itself is a bastardization of Saturnalia.

TTC: The Commission Strikes Back

2009-11-23T00:55:00.009-05:00

Things must be getting pretty bad when I'm blogging about the TTC and it doesn't involve a transit strike. People are up in arms about the TTC fare hike. I don't mind paying more for transit... but only if I get better service.

I understand the rising costs of maintaining our transit system. The problem is that we are pouring money into a transit system that is only treading water. Our city is growing and we need MORE transit. I don't see that happening. What I see is a transit system that seems like a relic of the past, when compared to other cities around the world. I don't mind paying more to get more... but I strongly suspect I will be paying more to get the same.

My second beef is this whole token rationing business. This is a problem that the TTC encounters before every price hike... yet they still resort to the ridiculous practices of limiting token sales to 10 tokens... then to 5 tokens... and now to NO tokens. The TTC fixes this systemic problem with a band-aid solution... Their solution? Going back to the past, by resurrecting paper TTC tickets. Dinky tokens and paper tickets. Welcome to the world of public transit... from 1985. You know what the rest of the transit world is doing? They are using re-fillable cash cards. You buy them from machines instead of union booth monkeys. They are cash-based, so riders won't hoard them before a fare hike. They are re-usable, so you don't have to toss away paper TTC tickets. Sound like a good idea? Great. Make it happen, TTC.

My third beef is the TTC rider boycott, which was a grassroots movement started from a Facebook group... and was destined for failure. Let's not delude ourselves... people that have a realistic alternative to the TTC generally don't take the TTC. People that take the TTC do it out of necessity. Suckers like me who deal with the TTC with daily contempt... The boycott did not produce any meaningful change in commuter levels. The TTC got to rebuttal with it's own boycott of sorts... they shut down a large piece of the Yonge line during evening rush hour last week.* Lesson learned: Riders need the TTC more than TTC needs the riders.

So this whole series of events has re-kindled my hatred (yes... hatred) for the TTC. However, I still love this city. I dream of a transit system that is designed better, not managed by morons, and not staffed by idiots. I'm hoping that the events of this month will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Maybe TTC riders will finally rise up and do something about this mess. There is talk of creating a TTC Rider's Union. It is an idea that I can support whole-heartedly. I'm not sure about how such an organization would work, but I am told there are similar organizations that exist in other cities. For the moment, the movement as a website... a terrible looking website unfortunately. Well, it's a start...

* To be clear, I am not blaming the Yonge line shut down on the TTC. However, there is no effective emergency plan when the Yonge (or Bloor) line shuts down. If we had more subway lines, alternate routes could be taken. Instead, we got to see an ugly mob crushing each other to squeeze onto emergency buses. Sometimes the cost of riding the TTC is $2.75 + your dignity.

Part Tank. Part Engine. All Thomas!

2009-11-18T17:12:00.003-05:00

I bought this in China. I simply could not resist. Thomas the Tank Engine and his friends transform into a giant ass-kicking robot. The island of Sodor will never be the same, because if you get Sir Topham Hatt angry, there's going to be hell to pay.

Little trouble in big China

2009-11-06T11:33:00.003-05:00

As Barack Obama visits China for the first time today, I thought I'd weigh in on my China trip. Being my second trip to China, I did not experience as much culture shock. This was partly due to my experiences from my first trip. This was also partly due to China changing to accommodate foreigners better. It was most evident in Beijing after their recent Olympics.

The major thing I noticed was rise of the Chinese middle class. In North America, the middle class is shrinking, but China's middle class is booming. People there are improving their quality of life, living in condos, driving cars, and buying all the comforts of middle class life. The world is hoping that this rising demographic will be the new engine to drive the world economy.

On a global scale, it occurred to me that almost everything is being manufactured in China. Add to that, the fact that most service jobs are being outsourced to India. It left me wondering what type of jobs will be left for the rest of the world? Are Canadians destined to harvest their wood, metal and potash to the rest of the world... and nothing else?

I also noticed that Beijing's subway system is light years better than Toronto's. Not a fair comparison since Beijing's transit system has such high volumes (and ticket sales)... but it is a re-occurring theme when I travel. The TTC is a transit system that seems frozen in time (approx. 1985). The world has moved past paper tickets and dinky tokens. Most places use cash cards with either magnetic strips or RF technology. Subway advertising is done in video, using small flat screens or moving frame animations in subway tunnels. Beijing subways also have interactive route displays that light up the current and upcoming stations (on most of their lines... not all).

My next revelation was about food. There is a vast selection of food from different regions of China. It's delicious and exotic. It's rich and flavourful. When I came back home, I went to a "North American" restaurant. Most menu items were a variation of "steak and potatoes" or "hamburger and fries". This has encouraged me to cook and eat at home more often. In fairness, Toronto is blessed with many ethnic restaurants from around the world... so you can escape the world of hamburger and fries quite easily.

Concerning the environment, recycling in China is spear-headed by grassroots "scrappers" who forage streets and garbage cans for plastic bottles and paper. Now these aren't homeless people. These are organized self-employed individuals that collect these materials and re-sell them directly to recycling companies. It's a strange way to recycle, but it is effective in big cities. When I put a plastic bottle in a public garbage can, I can guarantee that it will be picked up by a scrapper in less than an hour (more like 10 minutes). I also noticed solar panels on houses and buildings. Not a lot, but far more than I've seen in North America. Apparently, China is investing a lot into solar and wind to help meet their energy demands. In households, there were a lot of measures to conserve energy and water. Powerbars have switches to disable each socket, to prevent energy drain from unused devices. Toilets have variable flush settings, so you can choose to flush 40% or 60% of the water. A lot of this stems from the fact that people are charged for water and energy consumption... and people are cheap. So China is still an environmental mess, but there are some positive changes. Keep it up.

After China, I realized how polite Canadians really are. Life is cutthroat in China. When you cross the street, it's everyone for themselves. Drivers don't follow lane lines or traffic lights. Pedestrians and cyclists are no better. Pushing your way to the front of the line is common practice, and I had to break the rules of common etiquette many times to get by. For the most part, people did not take the time to perform the typical acts of generosity that Canadians take for granted. Offering your seat to a senior on the bus/subway in China? Very rare occurrence.

In conclusion, China is changing. It's incorporating more modern comforts for the general population. Since everything is manufactured in China, these goods are becoming more accessible for the Chinese people. As a society, they still have some bad habits, but they have become very adaptive to change. Change is happening all around them. As a North American, I'm worried that we are becoming complacent. We may be slipping into irrelevancy like certain parts of Europe that were once global leaders. I would like to see China's momentum and innovation happening in North America.

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2009-10-14T17:34:00.003-04:00

Coming to America on October 23, 2009

Twice the elbows to the head as the original...
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Half the trans-sexual hookers as the original...
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We built GeoCities... on rock and roll!

2009-10-12T22:28:00.006-04:00

It's official. Yahoo will be closing GeoCities for good on October 26, 2009. For those that are too hip to remember, GeoCities was one of the pioneers of free personal web hosting in 1995. Before then, having your own webpage was a luxury reserved for only the most hardcore geeks. This service was a pivotal factor in making the web accessible and entertaining to the masses. It was the distant pre-cursor to social networking sites, such as Facebook, Twitter, and Blogger. Geocities was the stomping grounds for many people who would grow up to become the graphic designers, web developers, and technology nerds of today.

Alas, I am getting too nostalgic. In allowing anyone to have webspace, GeoCities created a glut of low-quality web sites. Compared to present day, the web sites of GeoCities are primitive creations. It is an online "house of horrors" showcasing animated gifs, blink tags, and multi-coloured h1 and h2 tags in the standard Times New Roman font. GeoCities is a relic of the early days of the internet, and the time has come to shut it all down.

I have mixed emotions about this. I have several horrible web sites of my own on GeoCities. One was a stub, which I have since deleted. One has become a personal embarrassment*, that I am happy to see deleted since I have long forgotten my admin login. One was pure creative glory that I am sad to see go. I'm sure that if you have a web site on GeoCities, it will fall under one of these categories. Enjoy them while they last because in a few days, they will be no more.

* One day this blog will be a personal embarrassment to me... if that day hasn't come already.

Papercraft: Kill a tree... but get a toy!

2009-10-02T00:01:00.002-04:00

I remember making my own paper chess board as a child. It was a primitive creation, with badly shaded chess pieces drawn on paper squares. I was quite proud of my creativity, but my parents were repulsed at my apparent frugality. They bought me a real chess set the next day.

This leads me into underground world of papercraft. It's a fusion of origami, urban style, and graphic design. Papercraft has been gaining a lot of popularity in the last few years, especially since the recent collaboration of major papercraft players in publishing Urban Paper.

There are practical applications of papercraft, such as the CardBoy calendar, the Voodoo Stubey toothpick holder, and a working pinhole camera. Then there are various pop-culture papercrafts, such as Build-O-Bama, Cubee TMNT, and many many superheroes. Some papercrafts are different designs on the same templates, such as the avian Nanibird template, the squirrelish e440 template, the ursan 3EyedBear template, and the canine Speakerdog template.

I love the creativity, and the edgy balance between cute and strange that all the good papercraft artists seem to revel in. The papercraft community is fairly "open source" because they usually make the model templates freely available for download. So fire up your inkjet printers and grab your scissors! It's time to fill up your office shelves with quirky papercraft.

PS: Mom and Dad? This could have been me: Chess set papercraft

In my wildest dreams...

2009-09-28T22:28:00.003-04:00

Capcom is looking to team up (or beat up) a new franchise. They are asking for suggestions. There are so many ridiculous possibilities!

The View vs Capcom - Barbara Walters vs Blanka!
Dora the Explorer vs Capcom - Backpack attack!
Charles Dickens vs Capcom - Mrs. Haversham vs Chun Li
ThunderCats vs Capcom - Hey, that's pretty cool actually!
Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge vs Capcom - You have selected 3 wood...

The truth about "Spending more time with wife and family"

2009-09-26T02:13:00.015-04:00

My heart goes out to David Miller's son, who was balling tears during the mayor's press conference. The poor boy is only 14 years old, and I bet he feels personally to blame for his father bringing the entire family to a press conference to announce that THEY are the reason David Miller will not run for mayor again. Little Simon Miller must be thinking "No Dad... You don't have to do that. I don't want you to stop chasing your dreams because of me!"

Hey kiddo, don't worry. Your father is NOT REALLY dropping his career plans because he needs to spend more time with you. That's just something politicians say, because it's more heroic than saying "I'm leaving because I messed things up beyond belief. I'm going to cut my losses and go now." My goodness... David Miller, please explain this your children before the speech! Seriously, that was just awful.

More on: Leaving to spend more time with wife and family

Ride to Conquer Cancer

2009-09-04T15:23:00.007-04:00

Taking the lead from Of No Import, I've decided to do my part to fund raise for cancer research this year. Aside from Weekend to End Breast Cancer, the Ride to Conquer Cancer is the other annual monolithic cancer research event. The two main differences are that the Ride to Conquer Cancer is a bike ride (not a walk) and that funds will go towards fighting all types of cancer (and not just breast cancer).

I'm doing the Ride to Conquer Cancer with a small team of my co-workers, including a "veteran" who has done many WEBC's and last year's RCC. She is a fund-raising machine, and the rest of our team is looking to her for guidance because... you have to raise $2500 per rider. Yes, I also balked at that requirement! It's going to be a tough feat to raise that much money, especially since most of my friends now live in Mortgageville and New Babytown.

Not all hope is lost though... I've got some creative plans for fund-raising activities. I've also got some fund-raising experience from my dragon boat days. My RCC teammates and I will collaborate and pool our collective resources together. Most of all, I have a strong suspicion that the people at my workplace will be very receptive to my efforts to fund-raise for cancer research. Just call it a hunch...

The forgotten legacy of Steve Fonyo

2009-08-29T01:02:00.009-04:00

Around this time of year, I would be gushing over the legacy of Terry Fox and the annual Terry Fox Run. I went to www.terryfox.org and bought the book-DVD-coin combo. The book is something that I've wanted to own for some time. Make no mistake... I will forever be a fan of Terry Fox, as he is my idol and one of the main reasons why I found an interest in long distance running... but I thought I'd do something different this year.

I'd like to devote a blog entry to talk about Steve Fonyo. Chances are that you have never heard of Steve Fonyo, but his story is just as tragic as that of Terry Fox... but for entirely different reasons. Like Terry, Steve Fonyo was a Canadian who lost his leg to cancer. Like Terry, Steve Fonyo decided to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research.

Steve Fonyo's "Journey for Lives" began on March 31 in 1984, about 4 years after Terry Fox had to stop his "Marathon of Hope" in Thunder Bay, Ontario. The Journey for Lives was met with criticism from the media, as they branded Fonyo a "copycat" of Terry Fox. There were allegations that Fonyo was doing the run for selfish reasons and that it would take away from the legacy of Terry Fox. Regardless of whether these allegations were true or not, Steve Fonyo only received a fraction of the public support that Terry Fox did during his run.

Eventually, the Journey of Lives took Steve Fonyo beyond Thunder Bay, and all the way to the shores of the Pacific Ocean. Steve Fonyo completed his cross-Canada journey on May 29 of 1985. Later that year, Steve Fonyo was awarded the Order of Canada. He had raised $14 million dollars for cancer research. The beach in British Columbia where the Journey of Lives ended was renamed Fonyo Beach in honour of Steve.
Now you're probably asking the same question I asked when I learned about Steve Fonyo: "How come I've never heard of him before?!?" The same year that he completed the Journey for Lives, Steve's father passed away from lung cancer. Steve became depressed, and the media attention he was now getting was not helping. Even after running across Canada and raising $14 million for cancer research, Steve Fonyo was NOT treated favorably by the media. At this point in his life, Fonyo began making some very bad decisions. In the years that followed, Fonyo got mixed up in alcohol and cocaine. He began getting in trouble with the law. His convictions include assault with a weapon, aggravated assault, fraud, possession of a stolen vehicle, and several impaired driving charges. As recently as this month, he pleaded guilty to one count of assault.

For these reasons, history has quietly swept Steve Fonyo's legacy under the rug, favoring the more saintly legacy of Terry Fox. Some people say that Steve Fonyo got a raw deal, cheated by history after his remarkable achievement. Others say that Steve Fonyo was a selfish copycat who does not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Terry Fox. I am unsure of which camp I belong in... The story of Steve Fonyo is a tragic story of an imperfect human being who accomplished something extraordinary. As I write this, Steve Fonyo may be sitting in a jail cell somewhere. One can only hope that he starts to make some better decisions in life.

The Alcoholics of Prince Edward County

2009-08-24T18:10:00.007-04:00

I've been on a lot of winery trips this summer. It started with a trip to the popular Niagara region. I biked from vineyard to vineyard, sampling some well known brands from the Ontario winery scene. A few months later, I participated in the Twenty Valley 10K, where runners sampled wines from the Twenty Valley wineries during the race.

This brings me to Prince Edward County. Apparently, while the Niagara wine region was going strong to the west of Toronto, there was a new winery region quietly making a name for itself east of Toronto. Prince Edward County is about a 2 hour drive away, and home to a vast assortment of wineries, each with it's own unique charm. While my trip to Niagara was about biking and wine... and my trip to Twenty Valley was about running and wine... my trip to Prince Edward County was focused solely on wine.

I'm pretty terrible when it comes to paying attention to the small nuances of wine tasting, but I can tell you that I tend to like crisp dry white wines. Fortunately, the Prince Edward County wineries are good at making distinctive Chardonnays. Each winery seemed to have a different take on Chardonnay, giving them all a different character that even a wine novice like I could appreciate. Perhaps it was personal preference or the hot weather, but I felt that the white wines of Prince Edward County were better than the reds. I suspect this could also be a case of not cleansing the palette enough between tastings. Next time, I will carry a box of crackers with me to every winery!

The trip was fun and educational. I learned a lot about grape varieties and their tastes from this trip. I'm still very very far from a wine expert, but that least now I can tell the difference between a Cabernet Franc, a Cabernet Sauvignon, and grape juice that was left in the fridge for too long. In closing, if you're looking for some more down-to-earth wineries that are off the beaten path and far less hoity-toity than their counterparts in the Niagara region, I strongly recommend visiting Prince Edward County.

Friday Night Play List: CD Nauseam

2009-08-21T23:28:00.005-04:00

With Xiao Pangzi taking an Internet Ramadan break this month, I felt the need to carry the torch for the Friday Night Play List. I've noticed a creative vacuum in mainstream music as of late. The climax of this would be hearing the same songs over and song again on the radio. This week, I present the top three songs that make me want to vomit when I hear them on the radio:

"Poker Face" by Lady GaGa: It's a song with a catchy beat that makes you want to dance. Lady GaGa is a cutie, but seriously... this song is always on the radio!
"Right Round" by Flo Rida: Another song with a catchy beat that makes you want to dance. This song is a remake of one of my favorite songs from the 80's. It's another sign that the music industry is lacking new ideas when it has to be back to older songs for inspiration.
"I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas: Surprise! A song with a catchy beat that makes you want to dance. It features repetitive lyrics that really don't convey much of a story, so much as a feeling.

Individually, I have nothing against these songs, but they are collectively played over and over and over again on the radio. It's kind of disturbing that the lyrics to all these songs are devoid of any deep meaning, and the vocals have a synthetic quality due to heavy filtering.

Rather than sit around complaining like a grumpy old man, I've decided to have fun with this. How long can North America's love affair with "Poker Face", "Right Round", and "I Gotta Feeling" last? I encourage everyone to call your local radio stations and constantly request that these three songs be played... ideally one after another. Let's make sure these songs are on the radio as long as possible!

Wedding season is now closed.

2009-08-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

There was a time not long ago (2006 to be precise), when I didn't have the slightest clue about weddings. I stumbled through wedding planning with the help of my good friends and a trusty best man. Fast forward to 2009, and I am the (self-proclaimed) guru of weddings. I've attended EIGHT weddings this year, and I've had an organizational role (groomsman, usher, MC, DJ, decorations, set-up, clean-up) to play in almost all of them. It's one of the reasons why I did not have any spare time this spring/summer, but I have no regrets about helping friends when such a big undertaking.

One of the things I struggled to do was really try to keep each wedding "special" because it's an important day for the brides and grooms. It's very easy to think, "Not another wedding." It was tough, but I made the effort to "try to relive the magic," if you will. There is something about going to someone's wedding that brings you back to your own wedding day, after all.

Another thing I noticed is that at a few of my weddings, the groom's side didn't have a clue about what was going on. It was not a deliberate act of carelessness... but rather naive ignorance. As a former groom, I found that disappointing. I accept that a wedding day is an indulgence in fantasy for the bride (or her parents), but the groom and his friends represent half the equation. The groom's side should be actively involved in planning and preparation, because it is no small undertaking to blow more than $20,000 in the span of 24 hours. You guys better make sure it all happens smoothly.

I've seen a few couples throw weddings on a tight budget this year. I guess it's a sign of the times, but you know what? They weren't too bad, because they were selective and smart about where they spent money and where they cut costs. As a frugal man myself, I have to say that I was impressed. The key to a good wedding lies in the warmth that comes from the wedding couple, and not how much is spent on all "the stuff".

I'm pleased to say that wedding season is over for me. It will all start up again next spring, but I believe it won't be as crazy as this year. Royal Pinguo and I are ready to become professional wedding planners now, so if you want our help next year... we'll charge you a decent rate. :)

Zombies are good for your brain: Part 4

2009-08-18T00:01:00.003-04:00

At last, people are taking the imminent threat of a zombie attack seriously. When I say "people", I am referring to the academics at Carleton University and The University of Ottawa, who have recently published an article titled "When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modelling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection". (I don't think I've ever been prouder of Carleton University than at this point right now.)

What is more compelling is that this article has been mentioned in all the major papers. When I say "papers", I am not referring to scientific journals. I am referring to newspapers like the Globe and Mail. Part of this makes me happy, but it also makes me sad... because mainstream media always seems to highlight the most inane of scientific research for mass consumption.

So I predict a backlash of people claiming that money is being wasted on silly research such as this, instead of solving real problems. Well, I will tell you that real research is happening, but it's not the sort of thing that you will read about, unless you have a subscription to the New England Journal of Medicine. Also, I would like you to think about how much money really did go into creating this paper, aside from a lot of spare time from graduate students.

If scientific articles about silly topics are your thing, you will be pleased to know that the Canadian Medical Association Journal (CMAJ) collects such articles to publish in their holiday review, because laughter is the best medicine. Previous articles include:

Please specify: Nine or 9?

2009-08-17T00:01:00.003-04:00

I don't know if they do this on purpose to confuse movie fans, but in the coming months, there will be two movies called Nine in the theatres. 9 is an animated film about sentient rag dolls in a post-apocalyptic world. Nine is a musical about an Italian director coping with his mid-life crisis. These are two very different movies, so please be very specific when you order tickets in the coming months!

This is 9.

This is Nine.

This is District 9.

This is Seven of Nine.

Sense and Sensibility... and Sea Monsters

2009-08-16T02:17:00.004-04:00

From the makers of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, comes a newly improved Jane Austin novel: Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters! I will be the first to admit that I never made it past Chapter 5 of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, because it was too much pride and prejudice, and not enough zombies. Despite this, I am proud to say that I have this book in my collection. The same may hold true for Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. If I have any reservations, they are put to rest by this trailer for the book.

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters comes out on Sept 15, 2009. Check it out at your local bookstore!

Time travel: Not just for killer cyborgs anymore

2009-08-13T08:57:00.006-04:00

If you're like me, you'd want The Time Traveler's Wife to be a movie based on Sarah Connor from Terminator. Truth be told, I have a love affair with movies about time travel. They include the Terminator 2, Back to the Future, ST: First Contact, Star Trek and even a casual reference to time travel in Napoleon Dynamite. Don't get me wrong though... there have been some terrible terrible movies about time travel as well. (Time Cop, The Butterfly Effect, and Sphere... to name a few.)

This leads me to The Time Traveler's Wife. I've seen the novel in bookstores for a while, and the title piqued my curiosity. It's a story that combines time travel with romance in a (hopefully) non-ridiculous way.* I decided not to pick up the novel, but now that the movie is about to be released... I'm going to watch it with Royal Pinguo! She was pretty shocked when I suggested it, actually. (In the same way I was shocked when she wanted to watch G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.)** I'll probably watch The Time Traveler's Wife this weekend, and I'll let you know how it goes.

On a side note, if you ever wanted to send a message to your future self, you have an opportunity to at FutureMail. It's a website with a simple concept... sending e-mails on a time delay. It has a variety of useful functions, like reminding me to buy the complete Harry Box movie box set when it comes out or writing a letter to myself on my 50th birthday. It's a fun and handy tool that Dr. Emmett Brown could have used at the end of Back to the Future II... if only they had internet in the wild west.

* Initially, I wasn't entirely sure that The Time Traveler's Wife was actually about the wife of a time traveler. I remember picking up The Life of Pi thinking it was a biography about the number Pi.

** Boy, if time travel were really possible, my future self would have come back to stop us from wasting our time and money on G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

This may save your life one day.

2009-08-02T15:05:00.004-04:00

1 is not a prime number.

Phew... I'm glad I was able to get that piece of information to the blogosphere before it was too late. To think of what may have happened if people didn't know this... It keeps me awake at night, honestly. Don't go around telling people that 1 is a prime number, because it's not. The consequences of this misconception could be catastrophic.

Stick figure invasion

2009-08-01T00:01:00.001-04:00

Today's blog entry is a tribute to the ever valiant stick figure. Who knew that a circle and five lines could have so much attitude.

xkcd: The nerdiest web-comic in the universe starring stick figures. Where else can you find a comic strip with SQL injection humour?
Exploding Dog: People send Sam Brown a random phrase. He will create a stick figure drawing inspired by it and publish it on the web. It's twisted stuff and makes for good wallpapers.
Adobe Flash Stick Man Fight: YouTube video of a stick figure that fights back against "the man" using menu items.
Line Rider: Technically, the sled rider is not a stick man, but we can forgive him for that. It's a damn addicting game, and you can pretend that the little guy is a stick figure.
Stick Page: A collection of flash games and movies based on stick figures. Includes the legendary XiaoXiao stick fights.

If you have any other suggestions, post a comment and I will add to the list.

Beer Diplomacy: The Beer Summit

2009-07-29T00:01:00.002-04:00

I feel that Dangard Ace should be covering this one, but I have to say something about the Beer Summit. On Thursday, President Obama will be meeting with Sgt. Crowley and Professor Gates to have a beer at the White House. There's nothing that smooths over racial misunderstandings than alcohol. While it seems ridiculous, I've seen arguments settled over a pint of beer on many occasions. This moment will be pivotal, because it can put this issue to rest... or it can stir up a crap load of problems if it doesn't go well. (I'm betting that it will go well, because people will be on their best behaviour.)

More importantly, could this Beer Summit be a potential model to settle other disagreements? Could Israel and Palestine sit down, drink up, and settle their problems at the White House? Maybe we can invite scandalous investment bankers and the recently unemployed to have a few drinks and laugh it up over nachos and booze. Maybe if someone has a gripe with an IRS auditor, they can go out for drinks and talk it out.

While the Beer Summit is a very creative way at patching up the incident between Gates and Crowley, part of me feels that it is making a mockery of a very serious issue... The fact that a well-respected officer trained in racial relations and a well-respected Harvard professor both managed to get themselves tangled up in this mess. If they can't get along, then what hope do the rest of us have? We've still got a long way to go.

Time to kick ass and chew bubble gum!

2009-07-28T00:18:00.008-04:00

If you remember a few months ago, Warren Buffett invested a bit of cash to help the candy maker Mars Inc. purchase the company that makes Wrigley's gum. (Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya! The taste so soft, it gets right to ya!) At the time, I was wondering why the world's greatest stock investor was putting big money on chewing gum. For my demographic, chewing gum is used for 3 main purposes:

Primary Uses for Chewing Gum

Hiding bad breath.
Masking alcoholism.
Fending off the craving for a cigarette.

Well, Mr. Buffett... it seems you win again. The eggheads at chewing gum research and development have revamped Wrigley's gum with their 5 packs. It's slick packaging with new flavors*. Not boring flavours like peppermint and spearmint, but flavours like "Rain" and "Cobalt". If you're ever in my car, you'll notice that we keep a regular stock of Lush (a Juicy Fruit kinda citrus gum) and Elixir (a berry flavour gum). Lush is my favorite of all the Wrigley 5 flavours! It kicks Juicy Fruit's butt, in my opinion.

The story about why we only keep Lush and Elixir in the car is kinda serious though. When I first starting going out with Royal Pinguo, I noticed she would go into a sneezing fit whenever she had mint gum. I thought it was kinda funny. Unfortunately, over the last few months, the reaction became more serious. Royal began to develope a stronger allergic reaction to mint gum, especially spearmint. Thankfully, the reaction is not life-threatening yet... but I don't want to tempt fate. Both her and I are boycotting mint gum, in case she is tempted to have a piece of gum that is lying around the condo or in the car. We talked with Scarr and Jean, and Jean told us that allergies to spearmint gum is quite common, as spearmint is the most allergenic of the mint gums. I never heard of chewing gum allergies before, but it's good to know that it's not just Royal that's experiencing this.

* I recently was given a free sample of a prototype flavour called "Solstice" which is a blend of mint and cinnamon. Try to imagine what that tastes like... Well, I'll ruin the surprise for you... It tastes quite terrible. But kudos on Wrigley for trying to push the boundaries of gum flavours.

The Disney-fication of "Who pissed in your Corn Flakes"

2009-07-27T15:44:00.005-04:00

In an effort to make this blog more G-rated, I've decided to re-name it to The Cornelian Dilemma. This was a better option than to call it "Who pee-peed in your Corn Flakes?".

What a swank classy new name! But do not despair... you will get the same sporadic and low-quality blog posts that you've come to expect from us. That's all for now.

30 Days of Night & 500 Days of Summer

2009-07-24T00:01:00.002-04:00

I'm a fan of movie series that span different genres. A classic example is Alien which is sci-fi horror, while Aliens gives the series more of an action movie spin. The newest cross-genre movie series is the "Days Of" series.

The first movie in the "Days Of" series is 30 Days of Night. This movie starts off in Barrow, Alaska. A small town hunkers down for an extended period without sunlight. Of course, vampires decide to venture up north for an uninterrupted killing spree. This movie stars Josh Harnett as Sheriff Eben Oleson.

This movie is packed with gory vampire mayhem. The survivors rally together and fortify themselves against the oncoming vampire hordes. It's messy and bloody... but somewhere in all this... there is a love story. The vampire madness is an opportunity for Eben to reconnect with his estranged wife Stella (played by Melissa George), to rekindle their lost romance. The underlying story of 30 Days of Night is a story of love.

The second movie of the "Days Of" series is 500 Days of Summer. It is a distinct departure from it's predecessor, blatantly distinguishing itself by proclaiming: "This is not a love story". This movie is an off-beat romance about Tom and Summer (played by Gordon-Levitt and Deschanel respectively). 500 Days of Summer seems surprisingly devoid of vampires. As Tom and Summer's relationship develops, there is a dichotomy between the two. Tom is convinced he's met the girl of his dreams, and not a girl who is secretly a vampire. Summer does not believe in long-term relationships, because her partner may turn out to be a vampire. These conflicting opinions are followed through to their inevitable outcome, which I will not reveal... because I don't want to spoil the movie for you.

In summary, 30 Days of Night and 500 Days of Summer are very different movies, despite being part of the same "Days Of" series. Based on the success of 500 Days of Summer, producers have expressed interest in funding a third movie to complete the "Days of" trilogy. I will keep you updated as more information becomes available.

PS: Stay tuned for my next cross-genre movie review comparing "Dead Man Walking" with it's riveting sequel: "Fifty Dead Men Walking".

My favorite Las Vegas movies

2009-07-08T01:33:00.006-04:00

I just saw "The Hangover" tonight, after hearing a lot of hype and good reviews. I am pleased to say that it lived up to the hype. It's nice to see Bradley Cooper in the spotlight. I first saw him in the role of Will Tippin from Alias, and now he's developed from a supporting actor to a leading role. After watching the madness unfold, I am yearning to return to Las Vegas. You see, it's always been a dream of mine to renew my wedding vows by an Elvis impersonator in a tacky Las Vegas wedding chapel. Royal Pinguo has agreed to this, not knowing what she is in for... but after watching The Hangover, she is starting to have some regrets.

To further fuel my Las Vegas wedding fascination, I've decided to compile my list of favorite movies about Las Vegas. Please feel free to add your own suggestions. There is no shortage of movies about Sin City:

The Hangover: I love the contrasting personalities of the actors in the bachelor party. They play off each other beautifully as the craziness unfolds. Discovering new pieces to the puzzle and putting it all together is a delightful exercise.
Go: In Simon's sub-story, a group of guys head to Las Vegas and hilarity ensues. I really enjoyed this movie's energy and intricate interweaving plot lines. Go doesn't gets the respect it deserves. I watched this movie before going to Las Vegas for real. Thankfully (or regrettably) what happened in the movie didn't happen to us.
Very Bad Things: This movie is pretty dark for a comedy, and the title describes it all. There are moments of uncomfortable laughter, when you kinda wonder if it's proper to be laughing. If you want pointers on how to bury a dead hooker in the desert, then this is the movie for you!
Ocean's Eleven: I'm not going to lie to you. I haven't seen the original Ocean's Eleven with the Rat Pack, though I expect it to be awesome. My only point of reference is the modern re-make with George Clooney and Brad Pitt.
Rounders: Every poker fanatic has watched and quoted Rounders. "If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker." Technically, the movie doesn't take place in Las Vegas, but it's the main character's goal to eventually make it to the high stakes poker tournaments in Las Vegas.... that and obsessing about John Malkovich and Oreo cookies.
21: This is seriously the dumbest gambling movie ever. It probably shouldn't be on my list, but what can I say... I liked the movie's attitude and camera work, even though the plot was pretty terrible. Isn't that essentially the nature of Las Vegas? All style and no substance?

So what makes a good Las Vegas movie to me? It's got to project the attitude of Las Vegas. The characters experience the fleeting sensation of being larger-than-life and take chances because they are living for the moment. In that desperation of wanting to be a high roller, people make decisions that normal people never would. Some lose it all. Some win big. That's a great Las Vegas movie!

Megaman Revival!

2009-07-07T00:40:00.005-04:00

Outside of the Super Mario series, the best console game of all time is Megaman 2. I downloaded this classic for the Wii a few days ago, and it is still awesome. The Megaman series has good replay value because you can complete the starter levels in any order. The best feature is the vast array of weapons and gadgets to choose from, allowing you to complete the level in many different ways. To top it off, it has a pretty good soundtrack. (Seriously... for an 8-bit video game, it has to be one of the best soundtracks ever.)

Capcom released a newly designed Megaman 9 for the Wii and other consoles. It's tongue-in-cheek retro design pays homage it it's origins. The play mechanics and graphics are similar to Megaman 2 and Megaman 3, which I owned the original NES versions of. It's good retro fun. Download it now! That's right... now!

Third World Problems

2009-06-24T15:51:00.004-04:00

For some reason, my last blog posting reminded me of this short film: Chicken A La Carte
(It is obviously addressing an issue that is unrelated and much bigger in scope than our garbage strike.)

When I first saw this film, it hit me like a punch in the face. I mean, where you do even start to deal with this problem? Shock and hopelessness. Maybe you'll find more inspiration than I.

First World Problems

2009-06-24T11:44:00.005-04:00

Our city is in the middle of a strike by city workers, including garbage collectors. I'm tempted to go into an anti-union rant... but I reserve that privilege only for the members of ATU 113. (Keep on moving Toronto, ATU 113! Please?) This reminds me of something my co-worker told me when one of my friends had trouble finding wireless access for his iPhone. "It's a First World problem."

The developing nations of the Third World have to deal with not being able to get clean drinking water, battles between government soldiers and local warlords, or insufficient food to feed everyone. In the First World, we have "bigger" problems though. Things like bankable sick days or (to be fair) not having someone come to your house to pick up your garbage. When everyone involved looks at the big picture here, we don't have it all that bad. So citizens AND workers of Toronto, take a look at what you already have. It's pretty damn good, so try to keep things in perspective.

UPDATE: LCBO strike averted! We can all buy our liquor as we please now. First World crisis averted. Don't worry everyone. We'll find a solution to all our First World problems one day.... I promise.

Sulu had training in fencing

2009-05-18T22:03:00.004-04:00

I just watched the new Star Trek movie yesterday. In the movie, young Sulu tells Kirk that he has received advanced combat training in fencing. For those that didn't catch it, it was a reference to the ST:TOS episode called "The Naked Time". In this episode, the Enterprise crew begins to go crazy. Sulu runs around the ship shirtless, challenging random people to fencing duels.

Celebrate Mother's Day... with Revolutionary Road!

2009-05-10T20:32:00.006-04:00

Royal Pinguo has been wanting to watch Revolutionary Road since it first opened in theatres, but because of a busy schedule, we were not able to watch it until late yesterday. Without giving too much away, the story is about a young couple blaming suburban living, their children, and each other for their failed dreams and aspirations. Let me tell you that it is probably one of the most inappropriate movies to watch during Mother's Day.

Irony aside, it was a very good movie and very worthy of the awards and nominations it received. I liked it particularly because it did not try to force a happy ending. I've seen good movies ruined (and bad movies made even worse) through forced happy endings. The three forced-happy-ending movies that come to my mind immediately are:

Artificial Intelligence: The movie should have ended when the robot boy discovers that he is not unique when he meets a duplicate of himself (or when he sees the storage room full of copies of himself). Instead, the movie ends when the robot boy is salvaged by aliens from the future, who artificially re-construct the robot boy's dreams and desires.
The Little Mermaid: The original story has a sad ending where the mermaid dies. Instead, Disney gives the story a happy ending. After killing Bambi's mother, I think Disney has stayed away from unhappy endings for fear of exposing children to the harsh realities of the real world.
Made of Honour: (Royal Pinguo picked it out of the video store to watch for her birthday, so don't give me any snarky remarks about watching this movie.) I spent most of this movie waiting for Patrick Dempsey's character to grow up and realize that he didn't deserve the bride and is an ass for trying to run her wedding. (This is what happened in the slightly more reasonable plot of My Best Friend's Wedding.) Instead, Patrick Dempsey gets the girl after a ridiculous horse chase to the chapel.

Monkey Money for Toronto

2009-05-06T13:00:00.013-04:00

While I'm on the topic of money, there have been a few underground movements to create local currencies to encourage local spending. I'm not sure about the legality of such a thing, but the first local currency I heard about was "Monkey Money" from Moncton. I'll admit it... Monkey Money looks damn cute. The list of merchants that accept Monkey Money (on the website) seems distressingly short, but I did watch an article that it was a grassroots movement that is gaining popularity in the local communities there.

I've recently discovered that a movement also exists in Toronto. The creation and exchange of "Toronto Dollars" is said to strengthen the local economy, support local businesses, and keep money working and circulating locally. From looking at the list of merchants that accept Toronto Dollars, it seems to be predominant at St. Lawrence Market and Gerrard Square. It's an interesting idea that definitely favors the small local businesses. But as a consumer, is it worth your while to own a currency that is less universally accepted? What are your thoughts?

I will commit to buying at least one Toronto Dollar as a novelty item... if you're convincing enough in your arguments, I may pick up more.

Wikipedia: Listing of other Canadian Community Currencies
Wikipedia: History of Local Currencies

Got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind...

2009-04-23T20:23:00.007-04:00

My friend ChrispyCrunch has a financial blog that I've been following for some time. It's called "My Notes on the Stock Market", but I'll be honest with you ChrispyCrunch... I'm not a fan of that name, so I'm linking it as Crunch on the Market. (That name has got a bit more zip to it. Feel free to try it out.) I am waiting for his call on when it's safe to jump back into the fray... but he always tells me that it's impossible to call a market bottom until after it has happened. Anyway, that's my promo for Crunch on the Market.

Another good site for financial information is called Million Dollar Journey. It's one man's quest to have a net worth of one million dollars by the time he is 35. He tries to accomplish this through various methods, and blogs about it in the process. It's sort of a mixed-bag of various bits of financial information. His current net worth is almost $318K. It's not as focused or as technical as my friend's blog, but it may be a good place to pick up an idea or to that you may be able to apply to your own finances.

While I'm on this topic, you guys should also check out RedFlagDeals. It's the go-to place to find the best bargains. Be warned that this site will ultimately tempt you into spending more money, because you have to spend more to save more, right? There is currently buzz on the forum about an MBNA Mastercard that can get you 5% cashback on groceries and gas.

A friend of mine once told me that it is an embarrassment that our education system does not require high school students to learn how to manage their money. How many students stumble through their university years making poor financial decisions? How many students graduate with a huge debt load? How many adults take out loans and mortgages that they shouldn't? People should be given a basic education in personal finance skills, and it should be taught at a young age. It should be taught in schools, and you need only look at the current financial crisis to understand why.

PS: If you know of a good financial information site, please recommend it in the comments.

Earth Day: Mother's Day hypocrisy on a global scale

2009-04-22T08:44:00.010-04:00

I care about my planet. I care about the planet, because I care about myself. I'm not a particularly selfish person, but I view environmentalism less as an altruistic activity and more as an exercise in self-survival. I believe this strategy is the best way to make the concept of environmentalism hit home. People don't care about endangered panda bears anywhere near the level they care about themselves. That's my position on environmentalism. It's a smart thing to do, because ultimately it's in your own interest to keep the air you breath and the water you drink as clean as possible.

The best metaphor for environmentalism can be found in your public swimming pool. We all swim in the same swimming pool, and share the same water. Some people pee in the swimming pool and hope others don't notice... after all, it's a big swimming pool. That's just gross. But what happens if EVERYONE pees in the swimming pool? That's really gross, and people are going to notice. Our planet is a giant swimming pool, and you want to discourage/eliminate indiscriminate urination.

The biggest problem with environmentalism is the popular opinion of "It's not me. It's you." There is no shortage of people willing to point out other people's failings on environmentalism. They will point out the giant cars that other people drive, or the amount of garbage that other people create. It's easy to find fault in others, but much harder to find fault in ourselves. I'm part of the problem. I admit it honestly. I can appreciate environmentalism on a conceptual level, but I can easily do more to help out the cause. I am certain that YOU can do more to help out the cause as well, and it's important to admit it. This is why Earth Day is counter-productive to the cause.

Earth Day is Mother's Day hypocrisy on a global scale. It's the one day when everyone parades around as environmental crusaders with invisible signs that say "It's not me!" People feel good about themselves, and they can be guilt-free for the rest of the year. Earth Day was a great idea to promote awareness, but it's the ultimate easy fix for people desperately want to believe that "It's not me. It's you." I'm cynical about Earth Day for this very reason. Remember: "It's me... but it's also you too."

Press Release: Macrophages declare victory

2009-04-19T11:22:00.005-04:00

Date: Sunday April 19, 2009 10:00am
Immune System Press Conference Transcript
-----

MACROPHAGE: Thank you all for being here this morning. As many of you know, an unknown antigen invaded our security perimeter on Thursday morning. Our intelligence indicated that the initial breach occurred in the upper respiratory tract. The antigens established their base of operations in the nasopharyngeal cavity, and began to aggressively mobilize towards the lower respiratory tract, ultimately compromising the lungs. At this point, I would like to hand over the briefing to T-Lymphocyte, who will mediate the rest of the briefing.

T-LYMPHOCYTE: Thank you Macrophage. First of all, I would like to talk about the issues related to immune response. Some have been critical of the length of time it took for our team to response appropriately to this threat, and if we did so using sufficient force. Ladies and gentlemen, our response to antigens are both strategic and complex. My division serve as both helpers and killers. Using all the resources at our disposal, we were able to mediate an appropriate immune response with our colleagues. As of this morning, I am confident that we have defeated the antigen threat.

MACROPHAGE: That is to say that the antigen threat has been neutralized... but not necessarily eliminated completely. There are still pockets of resistance, but our forces are making rapid progress to destroy them.

T-LYMPHOCYTE: Thank you for that clarification. With that, I will take your questions. And if you really don't have much to talk about, we won't spend much time here. But we kind of wanted to give you the opportunity to flush out those questions.

QUESTION: You said that your reactions were strategic and complex. The antigen invasion was able to progress to the lungs. This caused a lot of systemic distress, to the point where sick days had to be used and social events had to be cancelled. If you had been faster, these inconveniences could have been avoided, yes?

MACROPHAGE: Well, we regret that you had to experience these... inconveniences. I can personally say that macrophages were out in the field the moment this threat was first detected. We decided to act with caution, because phagocytosis is not a process that we do indiscriminately. Perhaps B-Lymphocyte would like to comment further on targeted immunity.

B-LYMPHOCYTE: Thank you, Macrophage. As you know, we have been making a lot of investments in the area of targeted immunity. We have seen significant reductions in auto-immunity "friendly-fire" incidents and more effective response to specific antigen threats as a result. The trade-off with targeted immunity is that it takes some time to deploy out in the battlefield. It's the nature of antibodies, of which I am an expert in. However, I am confident in saying that we will not be attacked by this particular antigen again in the future. I hope that addesses your question.

T-LYMPHOCYTE: Thank you, B-Lymphocyte. Any more questions?

QUESTION: Do you know where the antigens came from?

MACROPHAGE: Clearly the antigen was respiratory in nature. Given the tendency to localize in the upper respiratory tract, it was likely to be a Rhinovirus serotype.

B-LYMPHOCYTE: It was definitely a Rhinovirus, and a particularly nasty one.

MACROPHAGE: These types of viruses come from a variety of places, but I suspect that the initial antigen contact occurred during a dinner on Monday evening, and it was only detected by our team on Thursday morning.

T-LYMPHOCYTE: That looks like all the time we have for questions at this point. Thank you all for coming.

I hate the little Encore man

2009-04-17T18:49:00.006-04:00

A short time ago, I praised the marketing genius of the Super 7 superheroes. Well, the OLG has concluded that personification of lottery games is the road to marketing victory. This faulty logic has brought forth the "Little Encore Man" who is letting the public know about the new and improved Encore. Truth be told, I hate the little Encore man...

He's dressed up in fancy clothes and a blue top hat and does a brief stage performance on spotlight. Encore... I get it. Perhaps it's my visceral hatred for bad theatre, but I believe the little Encore man commercials are terrible. If the OLG is listening, I am not all doom and gloom. My criticism is constructive...

So far, you've explored the idea of "We're surprised that there's a little Encore man that's appeared out of nowhere." Now that you've introduced the little Encore man (with 2 different commercials thus far), you can play with the character a little more. The Super 7 superheroes were successful because they were tongue-in-cheek ridiculous and over-the-top. Please DO NOT make the little Encore man over-the-top. That would be terrible! The little Encore man CAN be tongue-in-cheek ridiculous though. Perhaps something similar to the antics of Hammer Head from the Building Box. The world of stage theatre can be a parody of itself, so hopefully the little Encore man commercials can explore that a little more. I hope the OLG revamps the new Encore commercials, because they are annoying in its present state.

Oddly enough, successful marketing does not guarantee successful sales. The Lotto Super 7 will be decommissioned this September despite a great marketing campaign. The Building Box has been taken over by Rona, so Hammer Head is no more. (I've seen the Hammer Head actor on another commercial recently, being a clumsy mascot for a completely unrelated product.) Snakes on a Plane was a movie that generated a lot of marketing hype, but it didn't translate into movie sales. If the OLG wants to go the opposite route, it can continue to make the little Encore man commercials more and more terrible, and they will get strong brand identity through annoyance and hatred of the little Encore man. The choice is up to them.

TTC: An abusive relationship metaphor

2009-04-14T01:08:00.005-04:00

Whenever I write a post about the TTC, I am usually in an uncharacteristic blind fit of rage. As a result, my TTC-related posts are somewhat visceral and unrefined. Fortunately, my viewpoint is shared by many who are more eloquent with their words.

Shawn Micallef of Eye Weekly writes:

"It has become an abusive relationship. I was faithful to the TTC, I believed in it, I encourage it to get better, I continue to love it dearly but I keep feeling used and unappreciated. So it’s over."

I congratulate Shawn for breaking from the cold iron shackles of the TTC. The article describes the emotions of a disillusioned TTC patron so perfectly. It's the futile hope that things will get better, met with daily disappointment.

Eye Weekly: The end of my love affair with the TTC

Easter Bunnies in Bun-O-Vision!

2009-04-10T01:34:00.008-04:00

A few years ago, I blogged about www.angryalien.com. It's a website that provides 30 second versions of popular movies... and they are re-enacted by bunnies. I thought I'd re-post it again in time for Easter. As we all know, Easter is all about bunnies and tacky chocolate.

Star Wars: A New Hope

Office Space

Fight Club

March of the Penguins

That's just a small sample of what's available in the Angry Alien Productions archive. I encourage you all to have a look. After all, that's what Easter is all about, right?

Google Street View coming to Toronto

2009-04-07T11:22:00.005-04:00

Torontoist has reported sightings of the infamous Google Street View car patrolling our fair city this week. This is your chance to be immortalized on Google Street View, a service which lets you see buildings and people when you search for things on Google Maps or Google Earth.

You can check out Google Street View for wholesome things like famous landmarks. Or you can see a street fight accidentally captured by the GSV car. Someone managed to slip in a wedding proposal into Google Street View. Someone else managed to get himself arrested for being a cat burglar. And I can't end this paragraph without mentioning the infamous half-naked sunbathers who made searching for weird things on Google Street View a worth while activity.

So there you have it. The Google Street View car is in the city, and likely to photograph every major street in Toronto in the next few weeks. You have your chance to make a statement like the guy with the wedding proposal. You have your chance to embarrass yourself like the sunbathers. You have your chance to show the world your class like the guy in the street fight. Good luck to all of you!

Official Site: http://maps.google.com/help/maps/streetview/
Google Van: http://www.googlevan.com
Google Sightseeing: http://googlesightseeing.com

Generation X says "I told you so"

2009-04-07T08:48:00.011-04:00

Dear Generation Y,

If you will remember, we gave you a cautious warning about the future. Some time has passed, and perhaps you are not as upbeat about the future as before. Don't despair. Every generation gets crushed by the cogs of the great machine, and yours was no different. The world is a cold harsh place, and that never changes...

With angst-filled sincerely,
Generation X

2010 Mazda3: That is one happy car, man...

2009-04-04T00:01:00.004-04:00

I've been noticing a lot of hype over the new 2010 Mazda3. It's justifiable, because the Mazda3 is a leader in it's class of entry-level sporty sedan/hatchbacks aimed at the young driver market. Mazda had kept this year's re-design a closely guarded secret, that was only revealed to the public a few months ago... and they re-designed the Mazda3 to be pretty damn happy.

Do you see the giant smiley face right there on the front? It's creating mixed reviews with car fans. Fans of the old Mazda3 design don't like the change, because they think it looks too cute. They would have preferred a more aggressive looking front grill. Still, the specifications of the 2010 Mazda3 is impressive, and so is the price.

If you're looking for a 2010 Mazda3, you can check out their website: www.2010madza3.ca Honestly, with the car market being what it is nowadays, it's important to keep a smile on your face! As for the impression that the car looks cartoony, I have no idea where people would get that crazy idea...

PS: I've been a proud Mazda owner for about a year now.

Zombies are good for your brain: Part 3

2009-04-03T23:59:00.000-04:00

An Empire Strikes Back moment while I was playing
"The Typing of the Dead"...

"No... That's not true... That's impossible!!!"

Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 1
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 2
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 3

Zombies are good for your brain: Part 2

2009-04-03T16:46:00.011-04:00

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's a real book, and it's available at Amazon and Indigo. It's classic literature re-made into a beautiful zombie novel. You owe it to yourself to read this book! Plot summary below:

Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, sword fights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read.

For someone like me, this novel is a pivotal breakthrough that turns my opinion of Jane Austen* novels on it's head (a disembodied zombie head). As I type this, I want to run to my nearest bookstore to buy this novel (and to the Canadian Tire to purchase a chainsaw). If zombies can suddenly appear in Nazi Germany, why can't they suddenly appear in the 19th Century England?

Video blurb: http://www.viddler.com/explore/Mediabistro/videos/235/
Time article: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1889075,00.html
Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 1
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 2
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 3

* Seriously, though, Pride and Prejudice is a pretty entertaining read because there is such an undercurrent of bitchiness through the whole book.

Zombies are good for your brain: Part 1

2009-04-03T09:25:00.008-04:00

I've been recently addicted to the Zombie Nazi level of COD:WaW. It's a game involving zombies in Nazi Germany. I don't find it ridiculous that zombies are in the middle of Europe during World War II. Why? Because I've seen much worse...

The Typing of the Dead is an educational game based on House of the Dead, but instead of guns... you are armed with keyboards! Each zombie has a word or phrase you must type in order to kill them. It's like Mavis Beacon and House of the Dead all rolled into one. It's been voted one of the worst games of all time, but you owe it to yourself to download the demo.

Demo download: http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,8276-order,1-page,1/description.html
Youtube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MmNtKfiPH4
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 1
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 2
Flocons: Zombies are good for your brain: Part 3

Adventures of a Twitter Virgin

2009-03-21T00:01:00.003-04:00

Flocons Okay, what the hell is the deal with this Twitter thing? about 12 minutes ago from web

Scarr It's like crack for the brain. It's brain crack. about 12 minutes ago from TweetDeck

Flocons I don't get it. All you do is post 140 letter blurbs. It's been hyped by the media! about 11 minutes ago from web

Scarr Check out this link: http://bit.ly/F5ROn. about 10 minutes ago from TweetDeck

Flocons I searched for my friends on Twitter, but you're the only one. Twitter's sole purpose is to provide updates about you, Scarr. about 9 minutes ago from web

Scarr Baby just pooped on the stairs. about 8 minutes ago from TweetDeck

Flocons Gah... I can't take this anymore! I'm adding famous people I don't know into my Twitter list out of desperation. about 5 minutes ago from web

trent_reznor http://www.ninja2009.com/ is now live! Go get some free new music. about 4 minutes ago from TweetDeck

wilw If I ever meet the guy who designed Rainbow Road in MarioKart DS, I'm going to ask him why he hates us all so much. about 3 minutes ago from web

Flocons Okay, I could get used to this... but only on the working premise that Trent Reznor and Wil Wheaton are my closest friends. about 2 minutes ago from web

Scarr Cleaned up baby poop. Poop stair looks like all the others now. about 1 minute ago from TweetDeck

What if the Super Seven were given roles in The Watchmen?

2009-03-20T12:13:00.005-04:00

After 15 years, the Lotto Super 7 will be retired as of September 2009. I've played this lottery less than 5 times, because I can't believe anybody can match 7 numbers to win this jackpot. I will still miss Lotto Super 7 greatly, because they had a wonderful marketing campaign featuring The Super Seven! The Super Seven are a group of seven superheroes, each personifying some of the ridiculous things you can do when you win the lottery.

Sadly, it looks like the the Super Seven will head off into retirement, much like the Watchmen... This set my imagination into overdrive: What if the Super Seven were given roles in the current Watchmen movie?!? Who would be who?

The Watchmen:

Ozymandias
Silk Spectre II
Doctor Manhattan
The Comedian
Nite Owl II
Rorschach

The Super Seven:

2 Weeks Notice Man
Relaxo
The Splurger
Destinator
Cosmetica
Jesse Streets
Professor Posh (I don't think they even had a commercial with this guy.)

Let me know what you think in the comments.

Recession DIY: Income Taxes

2009-03-19T00:01:00.001-04:00

It's that time of year again. Time to file your income taxes! The deadline is April 30th in Canada... and if you are really a last minute guy, this means you have to electronically submit your taxes by 11:59pm on April 30th. If you're mailing it in, then it has to be postmarked by that date. (Jason, make note of this.)

So you've probably seen "accountant booths" sprouting up at your local shopping mall. If you bring your documentation, they will do your income taxes for a small fee. If your other alternative is to slug away at paper tax forms with your trusty calculator and an HB pencil... then I'd say that paying someone else to do your taxes would be worth the time it saves. However, times are changing... and I believe that most people can (and should) do their own taxes.

Thanks to personal income tax software, filing your taxes is faster and easier than ever before. QuickTax is the big fish in this market. I used QuickTax a few years ago, and it's a solid program. It guides you through a lot of the complicated stuff, and provides intelligent features to optimize your return. QuickTax costs a bit of money to buy, but this year they are offering 3 free versions of their tax software! The first is an online version of Quicktax that is suitable for simple returns. The second is a version for students. The third version is "Quicktax Freedom" which can be used by individuals with incomes of $20K or less with very simple returns. For more details about these free versions, visit the QuickTax website.

A strong newcomer on the personal income tax software scene is StudioTax. StudioTax is completely FREE. I have been using StudioTax to file my taxes for the last few years. It doesn't have all the bells and whistles as QuickTax, but it gets the job done. It's also very easy to use! They have an interface where you basically fill in the numbers from your T4's and T5's into identical fields in the program... then StudioTax handles all the complex math. My tax returns are fairly average, and StudioTax handles it quite well. I filled out and filed my income taxes in a few minutes with this program and recommend it highly. If you want to try it out, visit the StudioTax website.

Obviously, if you have a crazy complex tax return (e.g Own your own business), you should strongly consider enlisting the services of a professional accountant. If you have a very crazy complex tax return (e.g. Own your own illegal business), you should strongly consider calling DioGuardi Tax Law. These are the guys with the television commercials with the dreaded "Taxman" stalking your every movement.

In summary, I encourage you to do your own taxes. In most cases, it will be easier than you think. With the help of programs like QuickTax or StudioTax, you will be able to manage your own taxes. Along with saving a bit of cash instead of having someone else do this for you, you will hopefully pick up some knowledge to de-mystify the income tax filing process. Good luck.

Recession DIY: Coat Hanger HD Antenna

2009-03-11T23:44:00.007-04:00

Tired of your cable bill? A few of my friends started making their own HD TV antennas out of coat hangers, and it inspired me to make one myself. I can get all my local TV stations, and depending on what direction your window faces, you can get signals from more distant stations as well. The beauty of digital HD signals is that you either get the signal or you don't. (You may get square blotches if the signal is weak, but it's light years better than the old days of putting aluminum foil in bunny-ear antennas.)

Here are some good references on how to throw one of these together:

YouTube: Coat hanger HD Antenna!
Blog: How to build an HDTV Antenna... cheap!
Listing of over-the-air HD stations

It's not pretty, but it's definitely a conversation item when friends are over. Build your own HD TV antenna and kiss your cable company goodbye! I'm going to try to post a series of DIY tips for all you recessionistas out there.

Who watched the Watchmen?

2009-03-09T12:59:00.003-04:00

Here's the original site.

Given that I love the Watchmen comic so much, the movie is almost certainly guaranteed to disappoint me in comparison. Haven't seen the movie yet, but most likely will in the coming weeks. If you've already seen the movie, what did you think of it?

Do Not Call List: Government funds an exercise in irony.

2009-03-08T21:14:00.006-04:00

There have been a lot of complaints concerning Canada's Do-Not-Call list. It's an ill-conceived concept where the government collects phone numbers from people who do not wish to receive calls from telemarketers. Telemarketers then go to the Do-Not-Call website and download the list containing all these numbers. (The idea is that telemarketers need to have to list so they know who NOT to call.) Let's think about this for a second... Why can't a shake the feeling that this could go horribly wrong?

Oh yes... there could be the REMOTE chance that telemarketers download the Do-Not-Call list numbers and START CALLING THEM!!! People have been reporting that once they have signed up on the Do-Not-Call list, they have been receiving more frequent calls from telemarketers... and some of these numbers never got telemarketer calls before.

Well, if that's not enough irony for you, our government is about to release the results of a survey conducted to determine if the Do-Not-Call list is working:

"The poll, to be released Monday, finds 80 per cent of those on the list said they received fewer calls after putting their numbers on the list, which was implemented Sept. 30. On the other hand, 13 per cent said the number of telemarketers contacting them had risen to unprecedented levels despite registering, according to the Harris-Decima survey."

Sounds great, eh? Further down, the article states:

"The association, which regulates Canada's opinion-research industry, commissioned the telephone survey as part of a series in its VoxPop campaign."

A telephone survey... So they CALLED the numbers on the Do-Not-Call list to determine if they were receiving more calls from being on the Do-Not-Call list??? Boy, I wish the department in charge of collecting taxes was this stupid.

Fifty-five minutes after Midnight???

2009-03-07T00:55:00.008-05:00

Scientists responsible for maintaining the infamous Doomsday Clock face the grim task of accommodating for daylight savings time this Sunday. The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists will advance the Doomsday Clock one hour to a new time of 12:55am. This bold move puts our planet deep into the post-apocalyptic world.

"It's going to be pretty bad for a few months... at least until autumn, when we set the Doomsday Clock back an hour," remarked one scientist who refused to provide his name. Experts anticipate a sudden plunge into the post-apocalyptic conditions once the clock moves forward one hour. Remember that things will be alright as long as you can survive until autumn.

Five minutes to Midnight.

2009-03-06T23:55:00.006-05:00

Did you know there's a Doomsday Clock? If you've read The Watchmen*, you'll notice many references to it. Basically midnight represents catastrophic destruction of the planet. What a delightful thing for the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists to maintain! It was created in 1947 and set to 11:53pm. It's been set forward and backward depending on developments in the nuclear arms race. It is currently set at 11:55pm. A neat device no doubt, but there are many other catastrophic concerns in the world today. Recently, the Doomsday Clock is monitoring catastrophic environmental events as well.

As serious as nuclear winter and global warming are... there is a vast multitude of doomsday scenarios that are not being accounted for. The most obvious one is "giant rock from space". The Doomsday Clock can't account for asteroid collisions because the damn astronomers never seem to be able to tell people about these scenarios until it's too late. Seriously, why are we only finding out about this a day after it happens?

Another scenario that isn't on the radar is "death by robots". This scenario is discussed in detail with a song by Flight of the Conchords. Let's be honest, the robots of the future will not be lovable like AstroBoy. They will be angry angry killing machines.... though some of the angry angry killing machines will look a lot like AstroBoy. Some of the killer robots may be toasters. I'm not talking about Cylons... I mean actual disgruntled bread-toasting appliances intent on starting fires in kitchens. I would move the Doomsday Clock to 11:58pm if we were to take this into account.

Zombies, man! Don't tell me that the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists have not considered the threat of zombies! Surely scientists of such intellect would consider how dangerously tasty their big brains would be in the middle of a zombie outbreak. Well, if you aren't going to account for zombies on the Doomsday Clock, you guys can at least keep a stockpile of shotguns and chainsaws in the lab.

Have I missed a doomsday scenario? Let me know and I'll add it to the list.

Fitness Update: 3 weeks of P90X. Wetsuit on the way. Gym membership given the boot.

2009-03-05T00:59:00.007-05:00

As people try to cut down expenses in the face of bad economic times, people are leaving their gym memberships in favour of cheaper options. Since I've started the P90X program, I've stopped going to Extreme Fitness. (Mind you, this does not really save me any money because I'm still paying for a gym membership that I don't use, but I am NOT going to renew it.) People say that workout videos and home gym solutions will do well as people try to get fit on the cheap. I suspect that running will also be popular, as the only starting cost is a pair of good running shoes.

Concerning P90X, I like it. When you sign up at Extreme Fitness, they give you a hard sell for a personal trainer who will tell you how to get into shape... but any sensible person has to say no because the price is so ridiculous. What P90X does is set up a workout schedule for you based on the same principles that an expensive personal trainer would do. I'm on week 3 of the program, and I'm feeling pretty good. Long neglected muscles are now back into acceptable form. I believe everything thus far is setting the foundation for the next 2/3 of the program. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.

At some point in the next few weeks, my wetsuit will arrive. I have to say that I've been slacking on my swim training because work has been getting crazy. I'm also on the look out for a bigger swimming pool, as my kick off puts me halfway across the pools I'm currently using. I've got the basic mechanics of the front crawl and breathing. I'm now working on improving my form, speed, and endurance. It's pretty awesome! I can actually swim after all these years. I'm signing up for the Milton Try-a-Tri. At this point, I am confident that I will not drown during this event.

As a final note, I weighed myself on the Wii Fit, and it still says I'm obese... but I'm making progress. My goal: Non-obese by the end of this month.

There's probably no Atheism ad. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.

2009-03-02T18:16:00.008-05:00

So there was some talk a few weeks ago about Atheism ads on the TTC. Well, I saw one briefly on the subway today. Very briefly! I got on to the subway and sat down. A few seconds later another passenger walked up to an overhead advertisement, and pulled it off. She quickly rolled it up and tucked it away into her purse... never to be seen again. The advertisement in question was the "There's probably no God" advertisement.

My first response was one of quiet amusement... but it got me thinking. The TTC already has religious ads on the subway, and what if people started tearing those ones down? They would be accused of being anti-Christian or anti-Semitic or anti-Muslim, and rightfully so! What about the over-zealous subway passenger that tears down Atheism ads? She an anti-Atheist... and is that any less of a hate crime?

Somehow atheism gets the short end of the stick on this, and it's not fair. Atheism is a belief system, and it deserves the same respect as any other. I don't think there should be a double-standard where atheists are tolerant of religious beliefs, but not vice versa. I especially don't believe that vandalism and censorship are positive ways of dealing with issues that you don't agree with. Remember... even Supreme Master Ching Hai gets to have her posters on the subway!!! We are all adults living in a tolerant society... leave the Atheism ads alone.

Friday the 13th? That's so old school. It's all about the 4's!

2009-02-13T16:57:00.010-05:00

So today is Friday the 13th. Apparently 2009 will have 3 of these unlucky days, but I don't understand why this belief still exists in our modern culture. This superstition is so powerful, that many buildings do not have a 13th floor. Well, they DO have a 13th floor, but it is referred to as the 14th floor, or perhaps 14a. Let's not kid ourselves, people. If you live on 14a... you're on the 13th floor! Perhaps one reason why this superstition exists is because of the popular movie franchise of the same name, which is being "rebooted" today. Ah, Crystal Lake... sounds so peaceful. Another reason why people still believe in Friday the 13th is because bloggers on a slow news day will do a whole article about it. :)

Fear of the number 13 is ridiculous, because it's not an unlucky number... It's the number 4 you should fear. Holy smokes, that is one unlucky number! It's particularly more dangerous because there is about a 1 in 10 chance of any digit being the number 4! If you've been into any new building, you'll notice that your concerned architects have painstakingly erased the 4th floor, the 14th floor, and most other floors that contain the number 4 in it.

Okay, I'm just kidding... Fear of the number 4 is just as ridiculous as fear of Friday the 13th, especially since there is no popular movie franchise based on the number 4. (There is one, but it's not popular.) Chinese superstition says 4 is unlucky because the number 4 sounds like the Chinese word for death. ?!? Can we not just swap-out the number 4 for some other character or pronunciation that is more friendly? Maybe instead of writing "四" and saying "si4", we can write "~" and say "happy". I'm sure it sounds ridiculous, but no more ridiculous than fearing one of the basic digits. Honestly, there is a lot of legitimate things in the world to be fearful of... Let's not worry about 13 or 4!

Update on my quest for fitness

2009-02-12T00:01:00.002-05:00

Wii Fit: Failure

As a fitness experiment, I must say that the Wii Fit has been a failure. I purchased it last spring, and I have not really touched it since September. Yes it's true that I share part of the blame for not really using it since September. But more to the point, the Wii Fit is missing a critical component that would have made it work. It's missing a workout schedule... or some manner to direct people into a regular workout regime. I believe that if they had a way to create and customize a workout program based on the pre-existing exercises, then the Wii Fit would have accomplished the fitness goals that it's creators had intended. Instead, I float around from exercise to exercise, without any direction or plan...

Triathlon Training: Success

As the next step up from long distance running, I am training for a triathlon or two this year. The excitement of something new has put some wind in my sails. I constantly emphasize that failing a triathlon may result in a drowning. I've been swimming twice a week quite regularly now, and I am showing signs of improvement. In fact, I am quite certain that I will not drown. This is especially so, because I have purchased a BlueSeventy Reaction wetsuit. It should arrive in a month or two. Of course, this brings me to my next problem... I look quite ridiculous in a wetsuit.

Extreme Fitness: Undecided

I would be the first to tell you that a gym membership is like lighting several ten dollar bills and watching it burn away into nothing every month. I despise indoor gyms. However, I've decided to use my gym membership for the last few months to help burn away holiday fat... because my wetsuit will shape to the contours of my body in the most unflattering way possible. I have to say that early results were terrible. Luckily, I've connected with some of my wife's co-workers who also go to the Extreme Fitness. My co-workers are now my make-shift personal trainers, and it's much better to go to the gym as a group. So it looks like the gym membership is not a complete waste, but we'll see how it goes in the months ahead. (PS: Would I suggest a Extreme Fitness membership? I would probably say no for a variety of reasons. If you want details, leave a comment.)

P90x: In Progress
A friend of mine starting doing the P90x program. It's a 90 day fitness program offered by Tony Horton. (That's TONY Horton, not TIM Horton... whose 90 program would have the opposite effect.) It looks a bit extreme, but I managed to do 45 minutes of the 60 minute Legs and Back program. I'm currently on day 3, and I'm surviving. It's exciting for the moment because it's new. More importantly, it's got a detailed workout schedule which is something that is lacking somewhat in the indoor gym training and the Wii Fit. For those of you that are worried that I am burning myself out, don't worry. I am trimming down some of the P90X sessions because of my swimming and indoor gym workouts. P90x will help fill in the gaps, and provide a little guidance in terms of how to construct a long-term workout program. The primary goal of P90x is to make me look better in a wetsuit when it arrives in 2 months. (Extreme Fitness be warned. If P90x works out, you will be getting the boot.)

Fitness Summary: Still Obese

After all that, I'm still obese. But I can honestly say that I feel the tide slowly turning. The most obvious difference is that I have more energy during day, and I feel more alert. More importantly, I've decided to make fitness one of my priorities. I'm looking forward to the months ahead, because one day I'm going to step back onto that Wii Fit, and it will tell me that I'm not obese... I'll just be overweight. :)

Job cuts rampant at "Who pissed in your Corn Flakes"

2009-02-03T18:17:00.018-05:00

Dear loyal readers,

We find ourselves in difficult economic times. Those that thought the cereal-and-urine blog niche was recession-proof were sadly mistaken. As this blog adapts to the new economic reality, we have to make some tough decisions.

It is with great regret for me to announce that Coco the Monkey is no longer with this organization. As head writer and creative director, Coco was instrumental in laying the foundation of our organization. He will be missed, but not forgotten. We wish Coco the best of luck in all his future endeavors.

It is with a heavy heart that I also announce that Sippy the drinking bird will no longer be our Director of Technical Operations. Sippy was dedicated to our organization through its many highs and lows. He will remain an important advisor and consultant on future projects.

While we are on this topic, it saddens me to report that Hamlet the piggy bank is resigning as CFO to spend more time with family. As you may know, Hamlet is recovering from a compound fracture. During his time in the hospital, Hamlet decided to refocus his personal priorities beyond his career. He wish Hamlet a speedy recovery and hope he enjoys his retirement.

At this time, I would like to remind you that "Who pissed in your Corn Flakes" is still committed to providing you with the very best of cereal-and-urine related blog posts. Our readers demanded more fuel-efficient blogs, and we listened. We know it's about progress. It starts with more blog posts than anyone with an EPA estimated highway mileage of 30 or better. Next, it's a line-up of blog posts that fit the way you live. And one day, "Who pissed in your Chevy Volt"... a blog that goes 40 days without a single post at all. That's a revolution!

A time for superheroes to cavort shamelessly with the living

2009-01-30T00:36:00.018-05:00

There was some buzz about Barack Obama making a guest appearance in The Amazing Spider-Man #583. This issue quickly sold out, because it is supposedly a collector's item. Maybe it is... but maybe it's not. I've collected a few comics in my day, and there is a lot of crap out there. In fact, guest appearances by real-life people are not such a big deal in comics. Most of the time, they lead to terrible plot lines that any self-respecting comic book fan would block out of memory forever. No need to fear... I've compiled a brief list of terrible comic book guest appearances to jog your repressed memories.

Spiderman and Stephen Colbert
I like Stephen Colbert, but that picture looks ridiculous.

Spiderman and Jay Leno
Damn... they'll team up Spiderman with anybody!

Spiderman and the Dallas Cowboys
Okay, I think we've firmly established that Spiderman will guest star with anyone. Let's move on.

Superman and JFK

Yes... it was rather convenient that JFK was "indisposed" after learning your secret identity, Superman. Faster than a speeding bullet, eh?

Superman and Mohammed Ali
WTF??? There better be a kryptonite horseshoe up your ass, or you're in for a world of hurt.

X-men and Pierre Trudeau

Trudeau announces his ignorance of the X-men to all his lackies...

Alpha Flight and Pierre Trudeau
Trudeau comforts Canadian superhero team Alpha Flight. What a charmer.

For your reference:

The Audacity of Left-Handed Presidents

2009-01-24T00:01:00.003-05:00

I just noticed that Barack Obama is left-handed! As a southpaw myself, it makes me proud that "one of my own people" could rise up above the boundaries of left-handedness to become President of the United States.
Any self-respecting southpaw knows that all the greatest Presidents of my lifetime have been left-handed. There have only been 2 right-handed Presidents since 1974... Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush. To add fuel to the fire, John McCain is also left-handed, so us southpaws were guaranteed a man in the White House.

There is some debate on the left-handedness of Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan said in an interview that he was a natural lefty, who was forced to write with his other hand. I have no way of confirming this, as most photos show Reagan signing things with his right hand. If we do assume this is true, then here is the history of recent American Presidents and their handedness:

Gerald Ford (Lefty)
1974-1977

Jimmy Carter (Righty)
1977-1981

Ronald Reagan (Lefty-turned-Righty?)
1981 -1989

George H.W. Bush (Lefty)
1989-1993

Bill Clinton (Lefty)
1993-2001

George W. Bush (Righty)
2001-2009

Barack H. Obama (Lefty)
2009-???

I hope these observations would put to rest the stigma of left-handedness as some kind of impairment in life. I am still disappointed to see parents scold left-handed children into right-handedness. Perhaps it is a trial by fire. Only the lefties with enough tenacity and determination remain lefties in adulthood... and only the greatest of them go on to become Presidents.

For further reading:

Wikipedia: Handedness Of Presidents
CBC: Why So Many US Presidents Southpaws?
Lefties for Obama

Don't let the door hit you on the way out

2009-01-20T13:02:00.006-05:00

It's been a crazy 8 years. One of Bush's final acts as president was to shorten the prison terms of several people. (This is in contrast to Bill Clinton, who issued full pardons in his final hours.) Now that George W. Bush's infamous days as president are now over, would you grant Bush "clemency or pardon" for his mistakes as president?

At the end of the day, he is still a human being. Flawed and imperfect, did George Bush perform his duty as president to the best of his ability? In his own mind, George Bush did what was necessary to ensure the safety of America in the face of unprecedented crises. Some tough decisions had to be made, and he made them.

What are your thoughts?

Warning: Obama Fever Declared an Epidemic

2009-01-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have reported an epidemic of Obama Fever affecting the whole of the United States of America. Obama Fever is an acute febrile infection that results in prolonged feelings of euphoria and hope. The first case of Obama Fever in the continental United States was reported on February 10, 2007. The number of Obama Fever cases has been rapidly increasing since that time.

Symptoms of Obama Fever

Sudden onset of fever
Unexplained compulsion to purchase low-quality T-shirts
Obsessive tendency to chant the phrase "Yes we can!"
Urge to travel to Washington D.C.
Symptoms will persist for 1 to 2 presidential terms

Causes of Obama Fever

Exposure to George W. Bush for 2 presidential terms
Economic meltdown in real estate and financial markets

Recommendations to prevent Obama Fever

Avert your eyes during news reports about Barack Obama
Refrain from purchasing Obama T-shirts and merchandise
Avoid travel to the D.C. area during January 2009
High risk individuals should consider vaccination

This blog has been brought to you by Pocari Sweat

2009-01-15T18:10:00.004-05:00

In a surprise news conference, 50 Cent and Pocari Sweat announced a joint venture to produce and market a new ion replacement drink called "Fitty Sweat". This appears to be a strategic move in reaction to the recent collaboration between P. Diddy and Vitasoy.

50 Cent: "They say that success is 99% perspiration. Well, if you drink a can of Fitty Sweat, you will literally be drinking 99% of my perspiration. If that's not success, I don't know what is."

The Fitty Sweat production process involves placing the legendary rap artist in a high temperature sauna. During this time, 50 Cent must stand in a large plastic tub constantly hydrating himself with Pocari Sweat. Through the magic of human perspiration, Fitty Sweat is produced, collected, and canned.

The first production run of Fitty Sweat contained 99% of 50 Cent's sweat. This composition ratio was found to be too demanding, as 50 Cent fainted several times at the biological pressures of generating such a large volume of sweat in such a short amount of time. As a result, subsequent batches of Fitty Sweat only contain 4% of 50 Cent's sweat. This makes the first production run of Fitty Sweat somewhat of a collector's item among Fitty Sweat enthusiasts.

My bonus objectives in life

2009-01-15T00:48:00.008-05:00

We all have things we must do in life and things we should do in life. In the craziness of it all, we forget about the bonus objectives... those outlandish off-beat things that we want to do, but usually forgo because of more pressing matters. I think it's important that we remember our bonus objectives in life. It's more important to write them down, so here it goes.

My Bonus Objectives in Life:

Finish a triathlon
This is currently in progress, and coupled with my objective to learn how to swim.
Be on the cover of Now magazine
This would be proof that I am culturally-relevant somehow... at least for a week. Yes it HAS to be Now! Not Eye. Not Toronto Life.
Audition for a reality TV show
I'm thinking that easy options would be "Canadian Idol" or "So You Think You Can Dance Canada". Note that I don't necessarily have to pass my auditions.
Climb a mountain
I was naively thinking about Everest, but it is quite crazy to climb. If finances ever permit, I would like to take a shot at Mount Kilimanjaro which is technically more easy than Everest, and very doable if I'm using oxygen tanks.
Be nominated for the Order of Canada
All Canadian citizens are eligible for nomination as a candidate for the Order of Canada, but you cannot nominate yourself. So if someone would like to fill out a nomination form on my behalf, you can help me check this one off my list.
Own a gold bar
Sadly, the crazy price of gold has made this impractical. There is also the security issue. I can't leave it in my home, otherwise somebody (Russell Oliver or Harold the Jewellery Buyer) will break into my home and take it.
Learn how to play the saxophone
I have no musical talents, but I've been inspired by Lisa Simpson and Bill Clinton. Ultimately, I'd like to learn how to play tenor sax, but apparently most people start with alto sax. This will be a tough one since I don't even know how to read sheet music.
Participate in a competitive eating contest
I've been a fan of the IFOCE and Major League Eating circuit. I'd like to watch a competition... and eventually compete in a contest just for the experience of it.
Eat Turducken
A chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. A friend of mine told me about at the local pub, and I've been fascinated by it ever since. If you know of a place in Toronto that offers this, please let me know.

Sunday Funnies Redux

2009-01-14T00:02:00.009-05:00

There is such a thing as a lame duck comic strip... a comic strip that have long ceased to be funny, but continues to be printed. Examples include Peanuts, Marmaduke, and the ultimate lame duck comic strip: Family Circus. But don't despair! Thanks to the internet, the old is new again!

Dan Walsh has been meticulously erasing Garfield from selected Garfield comics in a labour of love called "Garfield minus Garfield". The brilliant and bizarre result is (as the website describes) a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

Even Family Circus is getting a makeover, through the Nietzsche Family Circus. On this site, a random Family Circus cartoon is paired to a random Nietzsche quotation. The results are unpredictably funny. Try it for yourself!

"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time."

This blog has been brought to you by VitaSoy.

2009-01-11T21:52:00.004-05:00

We now take the time to thank the sponsors of this blog... Do you have a thirst that can only be quenched by a soy-rich beverage packaged in a box adorned with exotic words from a language you cannot read? Do you desire to be on top of the world of hip-hop culture and fashion? You are not alone!

VitaSoy and Bad Boy Entertainment are collaborating to target the hip-hop soy beverage market with "VitaSean". VitaSean has all the taste of VitaSoy that you know and love... with the unique style of Puff Daddy.

Sean John Combs: "When I put my name on something, be it a line of clothes, a fragrance, or a soy-based beverage... I make sure that product has a certain quality and standard."

Adventures in the World of Goo

2009-01-11T21:18:00.005-05:00

I've been an outspoken advocate of the flu vaccine, but this year it failed me. I spent the last week of 2008 in a feverish delirium, with an illness that was suspiciously similar to the flu. For those 7 days, my body was adept at producing massive amounts of phlegm and sweat.

It was not a complete loss though. Once I recovered, I hit the swimming pool again. My body had adapted to breathing with phlegm filled-lungs.... so my phlegm-free lungs now give me the breathing capacity of Michael Phelps! It is SO good to breathe without the constant sensation of drowning in your own phlegm. It makes inhaling chlorinated water look like a walk in the park.

I also downloaded "World of Goo" on my Wii in my feverish delirium. World of Goo is a conceptually original game made primarily by 2 dedicated programmers. The concept is simple, but the levels and story are very quirky and unique. As the name describes, you find yourself in a world of goo, and your task is to create goo-based structures to accomplish a variety of tasks. There is a sandbox mode where you can complete against other players to create the tallest tower of goo. I managed to build mine up to 12 meters before it all came crashing down. If you have a Wii, I strong suggest you get this game.

Say hello to my new best friend

2008-12-18T11:48:00.006-05:00

My swim training is progressing, and I feel that I've passed the critical threshold where I can breath comfortably while swimming. My goal right now is to be able to swim a relaxed continuous pace while breathing comfortably. I think I have another week to go until I can do a lap or two of this. It's big progress from where I started at the beginning of my training. Of course, I'm still far away from being able to swim 350m in open water with manic strangers flapping their limbs around me. This brings me to the the topic of wetsuits.

In early January, I will have the opportunity to buy one of these wetsuits. Both are from blueseventy, which I am told is a good brand for triathlon wetsuits. I've mulled about whether to rent or buy a wetsuit, and I feel that I need to be comfortable in my wetsuit and we will need some "bonding time", so I'm opting to buy. There are 2 models I am considering. The first is an entry level wetsuit called the "sprint". This is aimed specifically at me, the new triathlon guy on a budget. It has a "get the job done" kinda look to it. For $80 more, I can go for the next model up, which is the "reaction". It looks a little nicer, and no doubt is slightly better quality. It has a feature that traps little air bubbles in the suit that help keep you floating and warm if you are in cold water.

blueseventy sprint

blueseventy reaction

I'm still undecided. I'm leaning towards the reaction wetsuit, because the sprint looks a little basic. I admit that it's overkill for someone of my swimming ability, but I'm seeing this as an investment. I'm planning to do 3 triathlons in 2009, and I really don't want to cheap out on the wetsuit. After all, this wetsuit is all that stands between me and a drowning.

Who throws a shoe? Honestly!!

2008-12-15T13:19:00.005-05:00

Canadian Coalition: Speak your mind

2008-12-02T16:12:00.006-05:00

The fate of the federal government will be determined in the coming days. Events are happening quickly, so make sure your voice is being represented. Whatever your opinions are on this issue, I urge you to make it known to your Member of Parliament. They were elected a short time ago to be your voice in Parliament, so please make sure they know that your thoughts are.

Contact your Member of Parliament

Dude, Where's My Country?

2008-12-01T23:26:00.003-05:00

Canadian politics has never been as exciting as American politics. In the last election, Canada had their usually low voter turn out, and a fairly un-inspiring result: A minority government, reflecting that Canadians as a whole do not have a very strong affinity to any one particular party or agenda. South of the border, there was an unparalleled voter turn out and a very decisive victory. Voters were very passionate and clear in their message: America wants change.

So I woke up this week and discovered that my political world has been flipped upside-down. Canadian politics suddenly became interesting. Kudos to the new writers, because Canadian federal politics is looking like a season premiere of a TV show.
It's a story of a party's rise and struggle to stay in power. It's a story of unlikely allies uniting against a common enemy. It's a story of backroom deals and secretly taped-conversations. No matter how it all plays out, the fate of a country will be changed forever!

On a personal note, I'd like to say that this whole situation is pretty messed up. I never thought I would say this, but I would like to stick with Stephen Harper. Seriously, I would rather deal with the devil I know, than some 3-headed Cerberus that is part-Dion, part-Layton, and part-Duceppe. That's pure madness. Let me repeat that again... THAT'S PURE MADNESS!

Triathlon: Invitation to a Drowning

2008-11-14T12:06:00.006-05:00

When you stop pedaling, you can coast.
When you stop running, you can rest.
When you stop swimming, you can drown!

This my self-defeating mantra as I sign the liability waiver for a triathlon. This has been sitting on my to-do-list for some time, because of my inability to swim! Well, that's not completely true. I am able to to swim my way from one end of the pool to the other without touching the bottom... but I'm not able to swim my way back without resting and catching my breath.

For those that are not familiar with the marathon's crazy cousin, a triathlon consists of a swimming segment, a biking segment, then a running segment. Like running (5K, 10K, half-marathon, marathon), there are standard set lengths for triathlon competitions. I've listed them below for your reference (and mine):

Try-a-Tri:

Swim: 300 m
Bike: 8 km
Run: 2 km

Sprint Tri:

Swim: 750 m
Bike: 20 km
Run: 5 km

Half-Ironman:

Swim: 1.9 km
Bike: 90 km
Run: 21.09 km

Ironman:

Swim: 3.8 km
Bike: 180 km
Run: 42.2 km (This is a marathon!)

Needless to say that the half and full ironman triathlons are currently out of scope. My goal is to complete at least one sprint triathlon this year. If you know of any good newbie triathlons, please let me know. I've listed some likely candidates below:

Now I admit that I'm going to need a lot of work to pull this off, which is why I joined the Triathlon group at my workplace. I'll be learning with a group of other new triathletes, and we will have professional coaching and training. This was the catalyst for me signing up this year.

The weak link is obviously my swimming. At this point, my maximum swimming distance is 15 meters. That is only 5% the distance of a Try-a-Tri. Also, I will be swimming in open water with my manic co-competitors swimming over and under me like a salmon run. It's not all bad though. My wet suit will be my new best friend, as it will give me some life-saving buoyancy. I am also told that most reputable triathlons will have kayaks in the water to help poor souls like me. I have mixed feelings about the swim cut-off. If you don't finish the swim portion within the alloted time, you will not be allowed to continue the rest of the race. It's added pressure that I really don't need... but it's incentive for me to reach a certain level of swimming ability before I wade into the start line.

Well, that's all I have to say about the triathlon for now. Official training starts in January, but I'm going to hit the pool more often starting today. Wish me luck.

Dear Wrathful Lich King: Release my friend

2008-11-13T00:01:00.010-05:00

[An open letter to Lich King Arthas.]

Dear Lich King,

This letter is of the upmost importance. It has come to my attention that today is the release of your expansion pack for World of Warcraft. Congratulations on all the hard work your subservient minions at Blizzard Entertainment have put into designing this expansion. I understand that this is your time to shine (or to extract wrathful vengence on your enemies), but a life hangs in the balance... it is the social life of my friend who used to be the drummer for my former dragon boat team.

You see, I have not seen my dear friend since he has been consumed by the world of MMORPG. As we speak, I believe that he is becoming hopelessly entangled by your WoW expansion: Wrath of the Lich King. Please let him go, your wrathfulness. He would not be a very good minion, and he catches colds rather easily. Not the sort that you would want to be carrying out your vengeful bidding in Northrend.

The fact is that my friend is only one of the many people flocking to your expansion. There are sleep-deprived and food-deprived gaming junkies that are furiously clicking away in honour of your frosty glory, your Lichness. In fact, there are probably two gamers in South Korea that are already unconcious with their foreheads on their keyboards. Please let them go, Lich King. Let my people go!

PS: I have written a similar letter a long time ago to George Lucas concerning Star Wars: Galaxies.

Starcraft II: You require more minerals!

2008-11-12T00:05:00.006-05:00

In a previous post, I was filled with fanboy glee when I discovered that Blizzard was finally planning Starcraft II. In the world of RTS, Starcraft is still king of the genre, and Starcraft II doesn't look to disappoint. Well, except for one minor thing...

Blizzard has announced that Starcraft II will be released in three parts. Fan reaction is mixed on this. The official site explains that this is an artistic decision to allow them to fully develop rich story lines and beautiful cut scenes. I remain skeptical. I'm with those who believe that the Starcraft II trilogy is a cleverly designed cash grab to be executed in 3 parts.

Blizzard realizes that it has a loyal following of gaming junkies with deep pockets. World of Warcraft has been a cornucopia of easy cash for Blizzard, as pale sleep-deprived WoW players happily give Blizzard money in the form of monthly membership fees. (On that note, I think that MMORPG is a pretty toxic mix to throw into your social life. Remember: Friends don't let friends MMORPG.)

My point is this. Blizzard designs kick-ass games, but let's not get too cocky. I have ZERO interest in buying 3 installments of Starcraft II. You guys are great game designers and all, but if you're going to pull $#!+ like this on your fan base, then you can just shove a Diablo crystal where the sun don't shine. (By that, I mean the centre of your forehead.)

Escaping the television ghetto

2008-11-11T17:56:00.009-05:00

For the longest time I've had the same reliable television. It's a 22-inch cathode-ray-tube television that's not that fancy. I don't watch that much TV, so honestly it wasn't a big priority for me to invest in a new TV set. In fact, the quality of TV shows has been drifting into a bottomless abyss of mediocrity and I believe that television is being quickly replaced by the Internet as a past-time for people looking to vegetate at home.

However, things started to change in the last few years. Television was starting to change! Now instead of watching a bottomless abyss of mediocrity, you could watch mediocrity in high definition. You could watch mediocrity on a giant 52 inch screen. You see, television is no longer a dying medium... It's a dying medium with high dynamic constrast ratio and 120Hz refresh rate!

To me, high definition television is like a putting lipstick on a pig (or Sarah Palin). You can make it pretty with improved visuals and sound, but you haven't addressed the real problem. The problem with television is not picture quality... it's creative writing. As a medium, television doesn't need more engineers. It needs more English majors. (Attention English majors, this is your calling.)

Despite all this, I have jumped into the fray. As promised in my last blog posting, I've replaced my reliable old television for a new high definition TV. I soon will be able to see the same crappy programming in ways I could never have experienced before. I will bask in the glow of mediocrity in full high definition glory. I can hardly wait!

Best recession... ever!

2008-11-10T01:41:00.005-05:00

Save when times are good, and spend when times are bad. I forget where this phrase comes from, but I believe it's pretty good advice.

The media is all doom and gloom about the global recession, but a recession is not without it's benefits. You may not be a Warren Buffett with piles of money on standby to make an opportunistic stock purchase... but his principles are scalable to the level of the personal consumer.

Have you noticed the price of gasoline has dropped significantly in the past few weeks? Last I checked it was around 85 cents per Liter. Good times! Analysts predict that a global recession means significantly less demand for oil, as people cut down their use of this previously expensive commodity.

Do you like lobster? Lobster prices are at a low because fewer people are buying this "luxury food". Some friends came over, and we had a lobster dinner with a lobster per person. They are thinking about doing it again next week. (Maybe that's a little excessive.) Be on the look out for other falling prices.

Are you in the market for a big screen TV? The prices for big screen TV's are dropping, because people aren't buying. Early adopters all have their TV's already, and people are more cautious about buying big ticket items. A few of my co-workers are snapping up some big screen TV's as they are moving into the range of affordability. I'm likely going to pick one up very soon as well. Yes, you heard me... I may finally upgrade my old CRT TV.

Are you looking to jump into the real estate market? I can tell you that all those poor guys lining up to buy pre-construction units at Bloor-1 will not be very happy with the recession. Most of them were probably condo flippers, and hard times will cut into their profit margins. The condo and housing markets are slowing down, and it's becoming a buyer's market out there. Personally, I think it's still too early to jump, but I'm hoping that things will reach the bottom in about 2 years... which is when I'd like to upgrade my current real estate.

There you have it. Your spending money goes a little bit further during a bust than it does during a boom. It's not a carte blanche to go out there and spend like crazy (especially if you're Royal Pinguo), but rather that bargains and opportunities are out there if you are vigilant. Companies will try a little harder for your business and consumers will have a little more leverage.

Obama: What the hell are you getting yourself into?

2008-11-08T00:30:00.009-05:00

There's a moment after you've accepted a job offer, when you briefly wonder if you've made the right decision. I am certain that newly elected presidents experience this. During that long limousine ride to be sworn in on their first day, there has to be a fleeting moment of self-doubt when future presidents think: "What the hell am I getting myself into?"

Being the president of the United States is quite a footnote in your resume, but it's not exactly a dream job. First of all, let's take a look at your new managers. You report to over 300 million people. Each of them will demand miracles and expect you to complete them on tight deadlines and a low budget. On top of this, you also have to deal with all the projects that the last guy left unfinished.

Let's look at your new co-workers. As president, you get to choose your co-workers. It's one of the first things you do after you get accepted. Unfortunately, your co-workers will inevitably do stupid things. You will see many of your co-workers resign for various reasons that all involve spending more time with family. You will also see many co-workers cursing your name under their breath, waiting for you to leave, so they can take your job or write an book about you.

Let's look at your work environment. Being president means being able to work from home a lot... The bad news is that it's less like "working from home" and more like "living at the office". There will be lots of documents, but the nobody expects you to actually read all of them. You're expected to put in a lot of extra hours, and have busy schedules full of meetings. As president, you'll be traveling a lot. There are conferences, meetings, and people that don't speak English... like the finance-nerds at the Federal Reserve.

Let's look at job security. You will constantly be evaluated and criticized, but the job is fairly secure until the 4 year performance review. At that point, they may decide to renew your contract, or go with a new hire. On top of that, as president, you are also on the hit list of every hostile nation, terrorist organization, or crazed lone gunman within sniper distance of you. This may result in an early termination of your contract.

In summary, it's not easy being president of the United States. Every new president takes this job with stars and stripes in their eyes, but every president leaves this job looking exhausted with more gray hairs and wrinkles than they started with. Good luck Barack Obama... and welcome to the company.

The True Meaning of Halloween

2008-10-31T00:15:00.004-04:00

What is it with Halloween these days? Everywhere you look, people are trying to buy costumes and buy candy... I'm disappointed with the commercialism of Halloween, because people have lost sight of it's true meaning: Celebrating wholesome Pagan family values!

I yearn for days of old, when families would sit at the Halloween dinner table for quality family time. They would feast on Halloween turkey fresh from the oven with delicious Pagan stuffing. They would decorate their Halloween tree and exchange gifts wrapped with Pagan bows and ribbons. For entertainment they would sing Halloween carols. If they were Jewish, they would light Halloween menorahs and play with dreidels made out of Pagan clay. It was a grand old time for everyone.

Alas, those days are gone. Halloween has become a holiday of consumerism. The powerful candy and chocolate industries have turned Halloween into a mockery! Kids are filling up on sweets. Teenagers are obsessed by the marketing influences of egg producers and the toilet paper lobby. Adults are running around getting slutty costumes for their Halloween office party. That's all good fun, but what about the Paganism? What good is Halloween without unabashedly celebrating Paganism?

Don't get me started on political correctness either... In order to create an inclusive environment , some people have decided against saying "Happy Halloween". They will instead say "I hope you cordially enjoy this final day of October." Let's not pretend it's not Halloween, people! So the next time someone tells you "I hope you cordially enjoy this final day of October", you bring them to task on their anti-Paganistic attitude and let them know that it's Halloween!

PS: Happy Halloween, everyone. Please enjoy your Pagan egg nog responsibly.

Joe the Plumber: Reach for the stars!!!

2008-10-19T00:32:00.011-04:00

Joe Wurzelbacher (aka "Joe the Plumber") became an instant star during the final U.S. presidential debate. Unfortunately, Joe's new found fame gave him unwanted attention from the media. Thrust into the public spotlight, it was discovered that Joe has been cheating on his taxes and Joe isn't even a licensed plumber!

Like the Barack Obama and John McCain, I want to speak to you directly, Joe. Times are tough, but you need to be strong, my friend. Through adversity, men like you will become the heroes of tomorrow. In fact, one of my personal heroes started out as a common plumber. But through courage and determination, he became a symbol of hope for a generation. Do you know who that hero was? That hero... was MARIO of the Mario Brothers!

From his humble beginnings as an Italian plumber from Brooklyn, Mario was faced with many challenges... flying turtles, killer mushrooms, bottomless pits, and giant primates that throw barrels. Normal plumbers would fold under the stress... but extraordinary plumbers rise to the occasion.

With his new found confidence, Mario went back to school to study medicine. Mario finished at the top of his class, and gave the valedictorian speech during his graduation. Dr. Mario would later reflect that his career in medicine was one of his greatest personal accomplishments. "I've punched more blocks and killed more goombas than I can remember. But throwing pills to cure the sick... that is something I will never forget."

By challenging his personal limits, Mario became more than simply "Mario the Plumber". He became "Mario the Super" and "Mario the Invincible" and "Mario the Flying Raccoon". You can do it too, Joe the Plumber. Challenge yourself... and one day you become Joe the Flying Raccoon! As you have to do is reach for the stars... or the mushrooms... or whatever power items you happen to find.

So You Think You Can Lead... Canada

2008-10-17T00:44:00.010-04:00

This blog has always suggested innovative ways of choosing world leaders. I've suggested the Democratic leadership race be decided by Rock Band. I've suggested future popes be chosen by a reality TV competition. Well, now there are rumours emerging that the Liberals may be looking for a new leader.

I have nothing against Stephane Dion. He's a decent and smart guy, but seems to lack the charisma and charm to capture the hearts of voters. This is why I propose that Liberals scrap their convoluted and expensive leadership convention process in favour of... a dance competition!

Similar to "So You Think You Can Dance Canada", you'll have to shake your booty on the dance floor to be the life of the (Liberal) party. This will certainly insure that the next Liberal leader will have plenty of charisma and charm.*

Can Michael Ignatieff dance the Argentinian tango with Martha Hall-Findlay? Will Bob Rae throw his hip out during his hip-hop solo? Will Dion come back to win it all with his off-the-wall break dance moves? Canadian voters would sure love to find out! So future leaders of the Liberal Party take note. If you want to win our hearts, you better start polishing off your dance moves.

* Somewhere right now, Jean Chretien is doing the running man in front of a full-length mirror.

Show me the Hadrons, LHC. Show me the Hadrons!

2008-10-15T18:10:00.008-04:00

This is the mother of all particle colliders! I'm talking about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN. This was big news a month ago. You could not turn on the television without hearing something about this crazy science experiment.

It went online on Sept 10, 2008.
It had some crazies fearing it would create a black hole that would devour the planet.
It had it's own Large Hadron Rap video on YouTube.
It brought fond memories of the classic intro from Out of This World (aka "Another World")
It brought more recent memories of Black Mesa's resonance cascade from Half-Life.
It allowed you to say "boson" without people snickering in the background.
It even rekindled my interest in particle physics. I was reading "A Brief History of Time" on my subway ride to work for a week!

What's happening now? No apocalyptic black holes. No paradigm-shifting discoveries. No mention of LHC on the news. Show me the hadrons, LHC.... SHOW ME THE HADRONS!*

Well, I'll give you an update. LHC is keeping a low profile because of a mechanical problem. The best physicists in the world were thwarted by a fault caused by a bad Transformer. (I suspect it was Omega Supreme.) I won't pretend to understand the technical details, but the LHC is a massive precision instrument, and if two giant magnets are mis-aligned, it's probably a bad thing.

Apparently, the LHC is out of commission for the next month. That puts us into the winter months, and it is anticipated that CERN will not run the LHC during winter because of higher electricity prices during winter. So realistically, we are going to have to wait until Spring of 2009 before they fire it up again. If you thought LHC would destroy the planet with a black hole, then you have a few more months to settle your affairs and spend time with your loved ones.

As for CERN... I expect you egg-heads to get cracking! The only mistakes I tolerate from large-scale science experiments are catastrophic ones that mirror what I see in video games or superhero comic books. Mistakes that result in anti-climatic waiting do not interest me or other members of the public. The next time something goes wrong, you better make it big!

* Thankfully, Google Image Search recognized that my query for "large hardon" was a typo... phew!