China: The Undiscovered Country

Many say that China will become the next superpower. People suspect that the reign of America as the military and economic superpower is (not over, but) starting to fade. The average person will dismiss this as crazy talk, but if you look at long-term factors, it's not really that hard to believe. This time next week, I will be visiting China for the first time. I'll see if China really is poised to become the next superpower. I'd like to run down some possible scenarios for what might happen on my vacation. Some of them are more likely than others:

• The gulag scenario: At some point in my travels, I would be mistaken for a criminal, anti-revolutionary, or pro-democracy advocate. My attempts to resolve this problem will only escalate it to the point where I am thrown into a state prison. I will show them my passport, only to have it taken from me and sold on the black market. I will be sentenced to work in a gulag, rice field, or a sweatshop that makes Old Navy sweaters.
• The human slave scenario: My girlfriend's joke about selling me as a human slave in China would turn out not to be a joke. I would do something to tick her off, and the next thing I know, I will be sold off to the underground human slave market. I would be shipped to Thailand in a crate, and forced to work as a transsexual prostitute on the streets of Bangkok.
• The parallel universe scenario: It turns out that all my excitement about the exotic customs of my homeland was unfounded. I would arrive in Beijing, only to find it littered with condo developments, Starbucks coffee, KFC/Taco Bell restaurants, and rude urbanites with cell phones and briefcases. Pretty much the same thing as Toronto, only nobody knows how to speak english.
• The cannibal scenario: Our flight is a direct flight that takes the shortest distance from Toronto to Beijing. This means we fly over the arctic region. Should something happen, and our plane lands in the arctic tundra of the north, Sophia and I will be faced with the horrible (and oddly facinating) prospect of having to eat one of our fellow passengers for food. The disturbing thing is that I would have selected who this person would be shortly after take-off.
• The no-way-out scenario: My passport and possessions would get stolen by thieves while I am in a chinese market trying to buy 80 chickens. I would not be able to get out of the country, or prove to the bureaucrats at the Canadian consulate that I am a native of Toronto. I would be trapped in Asia. (I would eventually make a shady deal with a smuggler, only to find myself shipped to Thailand in a crate, and forced to work as a transsexual prostitute on the streets of Bangkok.)
• The pandemic scenario: After a few relaxing days in China, the H5N1 avian strain makes the dreaded mutation into a deadly pandemic strain. (For some odd reason, I will find myself in possession of 80 chickens, which will have to be culled to control the outbreak.) The entire country goes into panic, and people hoard food and medical supplies. The army is called in to control the public. We are left stranded in the chaos.
• The relaxing vacation scenario: Everything will go as planned, and I will have a relaxing vacation in China. While this seems like the most likely scenario, anyone who knows me, knows that crazy things always happen to me while I'm on vacation. In fact, I have never had a relaxing vacation. I always come back from vacations exhausted with outrageous stories and photos.