[Sichuan Province, China]
Wildlife officials were stunned today after pandas ordered them to stop interfering with their scheduled extinction. Panda species representatives indicated that the constant tranquilizations and taggings have become unbearable.
"We have collectively decided as a species to become extinct... with dignity and respect," one elderly panda remarked as his fellow pandas nodded. "Once we kept the dreaded bamboo from growing out of control, but that's not a problem now. We aren't an important part of the ecosystem anymore, so we're going to leave."
Hunters and poachers were equally dumbstruck by these comments. One poacher said this unfair turn of events has taken the fun out of slaughtering pandas. Another complained that his panda-skin rug is now a worthless embarrassment.
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