Tony Dungy (representing the Indianapolis Colts) and Lovie Smith (representing the Chicago Bears) emerged from a meeting room in an undisclosed location. The two opposing coaches had been engaged in last minute negotiations to find a peaceful resolution to Super Bowl XLI. As one of the most epic conflicts in professional sports, finding common ground was not easy. The AFC and NFC have been bitter rivals for decades, but both head coaches decided that it was time for a diplomatic solution. Dungy and Smith shook hands, telling reporters that the this was a win-win situation where the Super Bowl trophy could be shared by all.
"Many see the Super Bowl as a single event, but this is not the case," Dungy told a crowd of dumbfounded reporters. "The events that cause a Super Bowl stem from a chain of unfortunate conflicts. The repercussions of one Super Bowl sets the stage for an inevitable Super Bowl a year down the road. The result is an endless never-ending cycle of conflict that we now live in. As men of good conscience, we could not let this continue." With that statement, the head coach of the Colts breathed a sign of relief, knowing that the events which would lead to the next Super Bowl had been stopped before it began to spiral out of control.
The head coach of the Bears took a more humanistic view. "Despite our victories, both sides have experienced great losses as well. We recognize the sacrifices that have been made by Bears and Colts alike. Our people have suffered injuries. Our people have been separated from their loved ones. What if it was your son in the Super Bowl? Or your brother? I've seen what being in a Super Bowl does to people. They are never the same afterwards."
Reaction from those on the field were mixed. One quarterback said "Snap! I've been waiting all my life for this. How can they call this off? We were going to f*ck those Bears right up their asses! No... I didn't mean that literally." He spoke on the condition of anonymity, fearing reprisal from his superiors.
A linebacker for the Bears was more optimistic. "Just think of it. No more running. No more smashing into people. Sometimes the Super Bowl can become your whole life and you start to forget about the things that really matter... like my son." The linebacker holds up a photo of a young boy and begins to cry.
A kicker for the Colts warned that 11th hour talks aren't enough to avert further conflict. "Do they really think they can stop this? The Super Bowl is perpetuated by the beer and chicken wing industry, and to some extent, the nacho industry. They're the ones that are endorsing this behind closed doors, and in the end, it's us that has to stick our necks out when that ball comes flying."
Relieved by the recent turn of events, scientists at the Board of Directors at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists announced that they have moved the Doomsday Clock back to 14 minutes before midnight. A spokesperson for the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists remarked that with the threat of a Super Bowl diminished, the world can enjoy a peace that has not been experienced since 1967.
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