Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rob Ford stops gravy train: Poutine shortage expected

Making good on his central campaign promise, newly-elected Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, has taken steps to stop the gravy train. Toronto residents, still stunned by Mr. Ford's decisive victory, must now come to grips with a city devoid of gravy...

Near city hall, the lunch truck vendors weigh in on the issue. One vendor (who does not wish to be named) told us that his customers love gravy. "It's free when they order my french fries, and everyone has gravy with their fries. Even some City Hall workers come for lunch and have gravy." When asked how he would deal with the new gravy train policy, he shook his head. "We still have ketchup, you know. Maybe people can try mayonnaise with their fries. I hear people from Europe do that."

At the downtown location of Smoke's Poutinerie, the line-up stretches around the block. "Once I heard that Rob Ford won, my first thought was for poutine. When he stops the gravy train, poutine will be in short supply in this city. I have to eat as much as I can before it runs out!" exclaims one poutine fanatic. Truth be told, several poutine outlets have began price gouging, forecasting a city-wide gravy shortage in the next 4 years. "Business is great right now, but once our gravy runs out, who knows what will happen to us. We got our last gravy shipment yesterday. Once they start re-routing the trains away from Toronto, we will have to close this place down."

Other city residents are taking a more entrepreneurial approach to the gravy train crisis. At an undisclosed location in Markham, some creative individuals are brewing their own gravy and smuggling them into Toronto in hip flasks and small bottles hidden inside their boots. A spokesperson from Toronto Public Health has strong words for anyone considering acquiring gravy in this way. "Gravy distributed in this manner is not only illegal, it is also a health risk. Without regulation and oversight, home-brewed gravy is an accident waiting to happen."

On October 25th, Toronto voted to stop the gravy train... but are they prepared for the consequences? Can 2.5 million people live in a city without gravy? Only time will tell. God help us all.

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