Congress has voted to reject the bailout plan, which has caused turmoil in world markets. I understand that this was a difficult vote, but we must all act quickly and decisively to give ME 700 billion dollars.
There are concerns that this bailout package is simply a golden parachute for me. This is simply untrue. 700 billion dollars is more like gold and platinum parachute, encrusted with 5 carat diamonds... which is a ridiculous metaphor because such a device would be too heavy to function properly as a parachute.
I believe my initial bailout proposal got off to the wrong start. Americans dealing with failing mortgages and lost retirement savings are not interested in the luxury excesses that I mentioned in my initial proposal. This is why I have revised my plan for greater appeal to the common American. I've include a brief summary below:
Sausage McMuffin with Egg:
This McDonalds classic is made with a freshly cracked egg every morning. The breakfast combo comes with a coffee and a hash brown for only $2.80.
With $700B, I could buy breakfast combos for everyone in America for 2 years!
12-pack case of Bud Light:
What American couldn't resist a case of Bud Light? It's brewed with the finest ingredients for a refreshingly smooth taste. 12 cans for only $21. What a deal!
With $700B, I could buy 111 cases for every American! Please note, that Americans under legal drinking age will have to wait before they can enjoy responsibly.
Paris Hilton Biography DVD:
Explore the life an times of America's favorite sex-tape celebrity diva for only $25.
With $700B, I could buy 93 copies of Paris Hilton's biography for every American... in case you happen to misplace the first 92 copies.
John Deere LA105:
19.5 horsepower and a top speed of 1.5mph, this riding lawn mower is every American's pride and joy. Available for only $1499!
With $700B, I could buy every American a riding lawn mower, with change to spare!
120G Zune player:
Okay, so it's not a diamond encrusted iPod... But who wants an iPod when you can get a Zune? It's only $249.99!
With $700B, I could buy every American 9 Zune players, with money left over for people to spend on song downloads.
Small Latte from Dunkin' Donuts:
Dunkin' Donuts has a 99 cent small latte promotion. That's awesome value, people!
With $700B, I could buy 707 billion small lattes!!! That's more than enough to supply every American with a morning latte every day for the next 6 years!
This 2-seater propeller plane represents excellent value at only $23,000. While it's not capable of carrying any munitions, you can open the door and drop heavy objects onto targets from a great height. A wise man once said there is strength in numbers, and we can buy a lot of these.
With $700B, I could buy 30434782 aircraft, so that each state would have at least 500,000 of them.
Welch's Sparkling Grape Soda:
Nobody does grape juice like Welch's. I was unable to find the exact price for this 2L bottle, but I estimate it to be about $2. The good part? There are more than 60 bottles in existence!
With $700B, I could buy 350 billion bottles of grape juice... and the money would all go to the good old USA!
12 oz box of Corn Flakes:
This small box only costs about $2.50. If you are lucky, you may also find a corn flake that is shaped like one of the 52 states! Exciting!
With $700B, I would still blow it all to own this 12 oz box of Corn Flakes... just as soon as my bailout plan clears Congress.
1 comment:
I'm sure that this is a spending plan that Stephen Harper would approve of since he is all about the common people. And gosh darn it, his wife will not hang out with the hoity toity either.
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